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Jax’s words stun, harder than the knock on the head tonight. Everything that’s happened in the last few hours is a world away from the planned quiet couple of Friday night drinks with work colleagues. My aching head is forgotten as I attempt to comprehend his words. Fall in love?
Glittering eyes search mine reflecting his heart, revealed and raw. “And that’s why I never told you,” he mutters and drops his hands. “I knew you didn’t feel the same.”
“I’m surprised, that’s all,” I whisper.
“But you don’t feel the same. Shit.”
In a dream I had, Jax told me he loved me and I woke flooded with the warmth of the words. My conscious mind rejects the idea of falling in love and opening myself to hurt again. My subconscious has a different opinion.
“I do. I didn't want to fall in love,” I admit. “It wasn't part of my plans, but you...” I wave my hand. “ But I fell for you and hard and pushed me off the path I was on. I swore nobody would do that. Not yet.”
“Same.” His voice is earnest, as he touches my uninjured cheek and his eyes brighten. “Exactly the same.”
“But can we do this? The pressure on you and us is bigger than we can deal with. Look at what happened to me tonight. I don’t know if we’re strong enough.”
“We can make this work. I want to make us work. We spoke about this before.” He takes both my hands and looks directly into my eyes. “I love you. I want you with me in my crazy world because I don’t want to lose you. We have to try.”
His quiet conviction, the insistence in Jax’s voice, and the fact he came here, tonight, says as much as his words.
I want Jax because I love him in a way that makes my heart hurt and scares me. How often have I backed away from risk? From chasing the thrill of something exciting but unpredictable? Never. But with Jax I’m exposing my heart and standing a step closer to the edge than I’ve ever found myself before.
“We said we’d try,” I say and burrow my face into him again.
Jax rests his chin on my head. “I know you’re probably too tired to talk about this right now, but before you did a Tegan on me, I thought I should let you know how I feel. Especially after the crap that went down tonight.”
I poke his side. “‘Did a Tegan’?”
“Yeah, did something drastic before thinking or talking to me.”
“Hypocrite!”
His soft laugh sends Jax’s warmth across my scalp. This is why I love this guy, because he understands what nobody else does and gets through my defences.
Because he’s a little like me.
“I love you,” I whisper and turn to look at him.
Jax’s smile is bigger and brighter than any I’ve seen before, and our eyes meet in understanding. Others won’t understand how this could happen between us, and will deny Jax and Tegan could work, but we will move in our own direction.
I’ve spent hours recently thinking about the situation, sleepless night fighting with what my heart wants and my mind denies. Look at the insanity that’s hit my organised world. The roundabout of life with Jax. Ruby Riot is on the way up; and if I join Jax, will I be dragged down? Something undeniable has grown between us, but can we have a future?
I have no choice. My heart won weeks ago.
38
TEGAN
Jax stays at the hospital with me for a couple of hours while I sleep, before disappearing to check into a hotel. I’m discharged but not before Bryn gives the doctor a grilling over whether I’m all right. Once Bryn drops me at his place, I text Jax to let him know I’m there and resting.
I wake late morning and shower, eager to see Jax again. Last night, I was a mess of emotions from the attack, and later Jax’s words. Although I’m calmer now, I’m still wired from his admission. My heart flutters as I picture the way Jax looked at me, how he travelled hours to see me. Scott never looked at me the way Jax does. Anybody can say the words, but I believe in the saying that ‘eyes are the window to the soul.’ Apart from Jax’s, which are a window to his heart.
Jax arrives at Bryn’s as I’m watching TV and when I answer the door, he takes a tentative step inside.
I laugh at his concerned look. “Bryn isn’t here. Besides, he’s okay with you now. You know that.”
“Hmm.” Jax shoves his hands in his pockets and glances around. “Nice place.”
Bryn isn’t ostentatious. His huge apartment is half-empty, but what Bryn’s saved on expensive furniture, he’s spent on a top of the range sound system and the latest TV; the one I was terrified to touch earlier in case I broke it.
