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Oz
Bright lights filtered in through my eyelids. I tried to close my eyes a bit tighter to keep out the offending light. A sharp pain exploded in my head and I moaned. Everything hurt. Why did everythinghurt?I had thought death would be a lot less painful.
But then again, when in my life had anything not been painful? I guess the afterlife planned to punish me, too.
“Dax, I think she’s waking up!” A frantic voice that sounded a lot like Poe called out from somewhere above me.
But that would mean…
“I’m not dead?” The words came rough, my voice sounding like I had swallowed a mouth full of gravel.
“Oz! Oh my god! You’re awake!”
“Don’t want to be,” I croaked. I experimentally tried raising one eyelid and immediately slammed it back closed. “Bright.”
“Dax, can you dim the lights, please?”
“Of course.” A deep voice answered and the piercing light poking holes through my eyelids vanished. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. This time, the room was bathed in a dim glow. The sharp pain in my head remained but I ignored it. Holy shit, I was alive. Poe’s beautiful face above me confirmed it. I tried to sit up, but my body deeply protested the movement. I let out a groan.
“Don’t try to get up, Oz. You need to rest after your near brush with death,” Poe chided gently.
Rest? I don’t know the meaning of the word, but I don’t want to upset Poe more than she already was. So, I only raised one eye and asked the question that I desperately needed answered. “How?”
A green colored cyborg appeared next to Poe to stare down at me. I stared back, willing to face the anger I assumed I would find burning in his eyes. I had hurt his friend and had threatened to hurt the others. I don’t expect concern for my well-being from any of the cyborgs, but my eyes widened in surprise when I saw it in his gaze. Don’t get me wrong, there was anger too, but it was set on simmer instead of full-on hatred. I fought the urge to lower my gaze. I hadn’t been prepared for concern and I sure don’t deserve it.
Not from him.
Not from any cyborg.
“There were a few moments where I didn’t believe I could save you. The tissue around the implant was deteriorating quickly, but I managed to stop it and reverse it.” He leaned down, putting his face close to mine, his emerald eyes peering at me intently. “Do you remember your name and how you got here? Any confusion or difficulty recalling events, names, or memories?”
His soft gaze and the way his eyes blazed with genuine concern made it nearly impossible for me to speak. I shook my head no, hating the tightness that wrapped around my heart like a vice. I owed my life to this cyborg. It was a debt I feared I could never repay.
I dropped my eyes. “You shouldn’t have saved me.”
Poe let out an audible gasp beside me. “Why would you say that?” Hurt bled through her voice, making it crack. I forced myself to meet her eyes. The pain filled expression painted across her features made the vice around my heart tighten even further.
The words I needed to say became lodged in my throat. Over the years, I had worked hard to be worthy of her and her friendship, but I never felt I truly accomplished it. I had purposely kept the darkest parts of my past from her, never wanting to see the disgust or pity in her eyes when she learned the truth.
My father had repeatedly told me I had come into the world tainted. That I would destroy everything I touched like I had destroyed my mother. When I had finally escaped him, I told myself he was wrong, but deep down the fear remained buried like a shard of glass just beneath the surface. One I could never cut free no matter how deep I dug.
The pounding in my head pulsed harder, slamming against my skull like my very own judge, jury, and executioner. “I said it because it’s thetruth. What I did here, what I did to Viper, was unforgivable even if I did it for what I thought was a good reason. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care becauseyouhave always been more important than me. You are good and kind and everything I am not. I have always been a fuck up, Poe.You were just too kind to say it to my face.”
Gentle fingers gripped my chin as warm brown eyes found mine . “But you’remyfuck up.”
That vice that had wrapped its way around my heart, making it hard to breathe, melted away leaving a warm, tingly feeling inside my chest.
She reached down and took my hand, giving it a squeeze. “Yes, what you did was stupid and reckless and part of me wants to punch you for it, but I know why you did it. You act like you don’t want others to care about you, but that’s a lie. You want it so much it scares you, which is why you are trying to push me and everyone else away.”
She gripped my hand a bit tighter. “Now you listen to me.Youare important, Oz.Youmatter. Having you in my life is a blessing and I won’t lose you to that stupid tech in your head or because you’re too stubborn to see that my world would be less without you in it. Give it time. The others will see it, too. You’ll see.”
I wanted her to be correct. “How do you make me believe in the impossible even when I know better? I hope you’re right, Poe.”
A secret part of my heart longed to belong. To have a real home. Family. Friends. But I highly doubted it would happen here. I couldn’t forgive myself. I don’t think the cyborgs are going to, either.
Oh, they might be cordial to me because of Poe, but it wouldn’t fool me into believing they wanted me here. I mattered to Poe. I told myself that would have to be enough. I couldn’t allow myself to give into wanting more. That would only lead to my destruction, to all the walls I had built around myself crumbling into dust, leaving me exposed for the world to see.
I sighed as I pressed my palms against the cool metal exam table, pushing myself up. I ignored the white-hot pain that flared behind my eyes.
