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“I missed you,” she whispers. “Is that weird to say?”
I bring her palm to my lips and kiss her there. “You have no idea how much I missed you, baby.”
“It was so strange,” she says. “Being trapped inside my own body. So helpless. I wanted to tell you I was okay, but I couldn’t. And then at times, I wondered if I really was okay, or if it was all a dream. Or if I was already—”
“Don’t say it.” I flinch. “Please don’t even say it.”
She nods, and we study each other, and I know what’s coming before she even brings it up.
“The baby is gone.”
Pain lances through my gut, and I nod, trying to find the words to comfort her.
“I heard them talking about it,” she tells me. “And then I saw my mother.”
“Your mother?” I croak.
Tears fill her eyes, spilling out onto her cheeks. “She told me she was going to take care of our little girl, Lev. She told me they are together.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” I bury my head against her chest, clutching her body as I choke back my emotions. “I’m so sorry. I failed you. I failed all of you.”
Her fingers tangle in my hair, and she strokes me the same way she often comforts Josh. It’s such a simple thing, but it means everything. I thought I would never have this again, and there isn’t a second of the day that goes by that I’m not questioning if I even deserve it.
“I love you, Lev,” Kat murmurs. “And our love is stronger than everything that’s happened to us. I don’t need you to be sorry. I just need you to be here. Forever.”
I look up at her, wishing I could pull her up into my arms and curl her against my chest. There is so much I want to tell her, but for now, a promise will have to do.
“I’m going to spend every day of the rest of my life by your side, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”
Three Months Later
25
Kat
Today is Josh’s fourth birthday. I’m in the kitchen icing his birthday cake when he comes running in from the open sliding glass doors.
“You won’t believe what we did!” he tells me. He’s excited and almost out of breath from running.
I turn to catch him, bracing myself for him to barrel into me, but Lev intercepts him.
“Whoa, take it easy,” Lev tells him, lifting him in his arms. I’ve been home, well, at Gleb’s house, for two months now, and I swear Lev’s like a ninja, keeping one eye on me and always ready to spring into action if he suspects I’m tired or may trip or, as in this case, catch a very excited Josh.
I give Lev a look as I wash vanilla icing off my finger. “I’m fine,” I mouth.
He ignores me, leaning in with Josh in so he can give me a hug and a sticky kiss on my cheek.
“Sorry, Mommy.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Josh. I love your hugs. Now tell me what you did,” I ask as Gleb—it’s still weird to think of him as my father, and I can’t seem to be able to call him anything but Gleb—walks into the house looking a little tired after most of the day out with Josh.
“Grandpa took me racing! He’s a really good driver, Mommy,” he says that part with a nod in Grandpa’s direction. Funny how he’s taken all of this in. His new family, his new life. Not that this is his new life, but for a little boy who just one year ago thought he didn’t have a dad and was too young to ask why, he now has a dad and a grandpa, and he acts like it’s the most normal thing. Like they’ve always been there.
“Racing?”
“Formula 1, Mommy!”
“Where did you do that?” I ask Gleb as he sits down at the table and starts to check his phone.
“Oh, there’s a place near here I rented out.” He waves the question away.
“He beat Uncle Maxim and even Dima. Beat them bad.”
Uncle Maxim walks stiffly into the house, and Dima follows. He’s the only one who doesn’t look worn out.
Lev grins at Maxim. “You really are getting old, man,” he tells him.
“Lev.” I jab an elbow into him and turn to Gleb. “You rented a whole place out?”
He looks up at me like what I’m asking is ridiculous. “Of course.”
“We talked about this. He needs to be treated like a normal kid and have a normal life.”
With a shrug of his shoulder, he makes a dismissive sound and eyes the cake warily. The icing is vanilla, but the neon blue food coloring makes it look not very natural. On top are sprinkled miniature marshmallows in more colors you’d never find in nature.
Josh has climbed up on a stool at the counter and is looking dreamily into his cake.
