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He closed his eyes briefly. “So help me, but I want this finished with.”
If he wanted an explanation, then that was what she owed him.
She let her eyes wander back to the ivy-wreathed fence. The robin redbreast was perched there now, a puffy ball of feathers on little legs. She might not like all birds, but she liked that one, she decided. She admired its gumption, the way it chirped so merrily, oblivious to cats and cages and the myriad other dangers that came with simply being alive.
“You fought against being forced to marry me,” she said to the robin. “But suddenly, you were trapped. You put a cheerful face on it, because that is what you do, but we both know the day would have come when you tired of me. After all, you did not truly want me. You would look at me and see what you had lost, the life and home you had dreamed of and had to give up. I did it for you, because I want you to be happy. But I did it for myself too. Because there is something worse than losing everything.”
The intensity of his silence called her gaze back to him. Once their eyes met, an earthquake could not have made her look away.
“I have spent my life amid resentment and hostility, all the while longing for love. I could not bear to spend my marriage that way too.”
His eyes narrowed. “Why would you be longing for my love?”
“Good grief, Guy, you cannot possibly be that obtuse.”
“Why not? You are.” When she added nothing more, Guy raised his eyebrows. “Your explanation is not good enough. There’s more.”
There was more, but her words failed. Behind them, Freddie and Ursula went back inside. Guy twisted around to watch them go, then turned back.
“I know I have not always been good at listening to you,” he said, “but I promise to listen to whatever else you have to say. But Arabella—” His gaze skewered her. “This time, you will actually have to say it.”
“You aren’t making this easy.”
“You don’t deserve for me to make this easy.”
Fair enough. She did owe him. Because he had gone to the effort and expense of looking after her, despite everything being her fault.
So he could set himself free. Free to choose, he had said. Free to choose a wife whom he truly wanted.
Free to choose her.
Hope swelled within her, foolish, vain hope. He would never choose her, not with her mistakes and flaws, not after his efforts to sever all ties. If only she could command him to love her. If only she could buy or bribe or beg his love.
What a pity love did not work like that.
Love could not be bought or forced or demanded or taken. Love could only ever be given.
Then she would give him her love, whether he wanted it or not. It was the only thing she had left to give.
Do not tell him, her pride warned.He will mock you, dismiss you.
From somewhere deep inside came the whisper of her heart:Don’t be absurd. I would never love a man who mocked love.
Leave now, her pride insisted.He doesn’t want you. Get in that carriage and go.
Shut up, pride,said her heart.I’m in charge now.
And suddenly, it was not hard. The words were there, in her heart, where they had lain since before she was born, and all she had to do was speak them. This time, her mouth did not betray her, and the words emerged, pure and true.
“Because I love you,” she said.
The robin fluttered past in a panic and a gust of wind rustled the leaves. But the sky did not collapse. The sun went on shining and Arabella went on breathing, albeit with a little more difficulty.
Guy said nothing.
“There is more,” she said. “I accepted that I must surrender you to someone else, someone who can better give you what you want, and that I could only love you from a distance. Which is not ideal, because one does like to be near the object of one’s affection. But also, I need you.”
Still he said nothing.
