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“Of course, I would survive without you,” she added.
Was that a smile? “Of course.”
“I need you in order to…to be myself. I realized I have shut myself away for so long, holding onto my childhood, seeking the family and home I wanted but foolishly looking in the wrong place. It is thanks to you that I am able to grow up and start my life anew. My own life, my own way. I am making a dreadful hash of it so far but… I will never regret loving you, or being the way I am. I regret only that I am not what you want in a wife. Because you are everything I desire in a husband.”
He closed his eyes and muttered something that sounded like a curse.
“There. That is your explanation,” she said hoarsely. Her throat was achingly tight. “Now I owe you nothing either, and there really is nothing left for us to say. I’ll not keep you.”
She whirled around to leave, before she shattered at his feet. He seized her wrist with his bare hand. Heat jolted through her. Her limbs froze. She could not turn to face him. But she felt him, standing behind her. He touched only her wrist, but she felt him all the same.
She heard his deep, shuddering breath. Felt its warm release on her neck.
“Oh thank the stars, I had hoped that was it,” he said, his voice shaky.
Blood rushed through her, blood and something else, something that coursed through her veins and made her muscles weak. Still she dared not turn. He laid his hand over hers and entwined their fingers. She closed her eyes, surrendering her senses to his presence, until he was all she knew.
“I cursed you, you know,” came his low voice in her ear. “I cursed you so long and hard it’s a wonder you don’t have a cloud of locusts swarming around your head. Cursed you and your blasted pride. Debt and duty, you wrote: That’s what you believed, isn’t it? And anything else I said, you would have dismissed as a gallant lie.” His other hand landed on her hip, as if they were ready to waltz, but she was facing the wrong way. “You started thinking, didn’t you? You and that brilliant diamond mind of yours. But thinking is like walking: If you begin in the wrong place, facing the wrong way, you’ll head in the wrong direction, and end up falling off the edge of the world.”
He eased closer; his chest brushed her back. She could not have turned, he held her so firmly in their backward dance.
“I’ve been carrying that blasted letter around in the hope you would come to me first. I wanted you to come to me. I needed—” His voice broke. He breathed in sharply. “I needed you to come to me.”
His grip relaxed. She pivoted in his arms, to stare into those eyes of his, eyes like summer rain.
“But you never wanted me,” she recited, stunned. “You deserve to have the home you dream of. You deserve to have what you want.”
“A home,” he repeated. “A safe, welcoming place to come back to, a place where I feel comfort and passion, joy and delight.” He cupped the back of her neck, as if to hold her in place. “Arabella, you proud, impossible fool. Youaremy home.”
His words stole her breath, but it seemed she did not need air, for all her shakiness was gone. Her legs were strong and her arm steady, as she pressed one hand against his beloved face. He let his forehead drop to meet her own.
“It took me so long to see it,” he continued softly, their breaths mingling. “My struggle against my father made my thoughts rigid. But finally I understood: I had to travel the world and become myself, so I could see that what I most needed was here the whole time.”
“You mean…”
“I mean, I love you too. I meant to tell you, but I didn’t get a chance.”
She lifted her head to search his eyes, needing to believe it, to find a way through her fear.
“I’ll make mistakes,” she said. “I’ll say the wrong thing. I’ll—”
“Of course you bloody well will. As will I. Will you leave me when I make a mistake?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why not grant me the same grace?” He smoothed back a tendril of her hair. “I know you, Arabella, and I am choosing you. This time, surely, you can have no doubt. I choose to share my life with you, because my life is better with you in it. I want you to choose me for the same reason. Stop fighting, for once in your life, and spare me this wretchedness.”
Pain sliced her tender, battered heart. Oh so help her, what had she done?
“I hurt you,” she said, tears pricking her eyes as she hurt with him. Urgently, she pressed her hand to his face, to his neck, to his shoulder, as if she could heal him. “Oh, Guy, I didn’t realize. I never wanted to hurt you. I never realized I could. I only wanted you to be happy.”
He shook his head with a short, mirthless laugh. “You were wrong. You were so—bloody—wrong.”
“I am so sorry. Will you forgive me?”
He brushed her cheek. Cool air danced over the dampness left by her tear. “Everything was a mess between us. It took some untangling. Just promise me: Don’t do it again.”
I can fix this,she thought, as her hands rested on his chest.I just need a plan.
