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“Kasey! Kasey, wait up.” A hand latches onto my arm, spinning me around. I flinch, throwing my hands up to protect myself. I hate that it’s my body’s natural reaction now. Because ofhim. The guy immediately releases me, holding his hands palm up to show he’s not a threat.
“I’m sorry. Please come back to the house, and we can start again.” His voice is softer than before, trying to put me at ease. “I’m Rick. Tyler told me to expect you, I guess you’re not quite what I was expecting.” This throws me for a loop. If Tyler called him does that mean he knows too? He must see the panic spread across my face. “It’s okay, Se….”
“Please, don’t say his name. I can’t…. I just. Don’t.” My heart is racing, and my breathing quickens as panic grips me again. I can’t bear to hear or say the name of the man that haunts my every waking hour, and my nightmares too.
“He doesn’t know where you are, I promise, Kasey.” He lowers his hands, then gestures towards the house.
I start to relax as Rick guides me back to the house. When we arrive, the house is empty. ‘Pretty boy’ and Max must have left, and I’m glad too. Nothing more humiliating than having a panic attack in front of an audience. Bad enough that Rick got a small glimpse of how fucked up I am.
Rick leads me through the house to his kitchen as my eyes take in my surroundings. The walls of the hallway are lined with a dozen candid, black and white framed photos of a beautiful brunette and the little boy, Max, from earlier. I assume she’s Max’s mum and I wonder where she is, but it’s not my business. I’m not here to make friends, just to get a new ID and get as far away fromhimas possible and pray like fuck he never finds me. Because if he does…it doesn’t even bear thinking about.
The kitchen is clean, almost clinical, but still manages to be warm and homey. Decked out with top of the range appliances and every possible gadget you could ever wish for. There’s an island in the middle and one end acts as a breakfast bar with sleek black, high-backed stools. Rick gestures to them, and as I move that way, I take in the rest of the room.
At the far end, the whole wall is made up of bi-folding doors that lead out to a long, well-manicured garden. There’s a dark oak dining table that looks to seat 12, and to the left is a matching Welsh dresser.
I take a seat on the nearest stool, closest to the door in case I need to run. God! I’m such a fuck up. A throat clearing has me almost toppling off the stool, and I turn to see Rick looking at me from the other side of the island as he leans back against the work top behind him. Ha, totally proved my point on my fucked-upness.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Do you want a tea or coffee, or maybe something stronger?” he asks, giving me a wink. I appreciate his attempt to put me at ease and offer him a small smile.
“Thanks, but I’d rather just get this done if you don’t mind.” He nods his head in acceptance, before turning slightly and reaching into the drawer behind him. My heart beats a little faster at the thought of what he’s getting, and several scenarios run through my mind all at once. I watch every movement he makes like a lion watches its prey. When he turns back to face me, he’s holding nothing more sinister than a large manila envelope in his hand. Well, sinister is completely subjective as blackmailers usually use manila envelopes, and I guess this could be classed as sinister due to the fact I’m here for a new identity. Not exactly legal and above board, or so I assume. I shut my ridiculous thoughts down and focus back on Rick.
“So, I managed to get you everything except a new passport.” One side of his face kicks up as he says it, almost in apology, but there’s something else in his eyes I can’t quite put my finger on. I shrug in reply.
Whilst it’s a lovely idea to leave and set myself up on the other side of the world, I just can’t. There are things keeping me here.
I leave Rick’s with my new ID, and a business card for a security firm that he and ‘pretty boy’ run together. He refused to take any sort of payment, instead making me promise to call him if I ever need anything, but I have no intention of calling him.
I head back to the B&B, not exactly relishing the idea of spending another night there, but I have no other option. The reason I picked it certainly wasn’t for its luxury that’s for sure but for its location so close to the train station.
Back in the room, I remove the documents that Rick gave me, checking everything.
I am no longer Kasey Smith, now I’m Camryn Juliette Moore.
Considering I had no say in my new name, I’m actually very happy with it. I repeat it several times in my head and out loud, getting used to the sound of it. I thought I’d be upset about the loss of my name, especially as my dad named me, but I’m not.
Honestly, I’ve not felt like me in a very long time.
After checking everything over, I take another look at the map Tyler gave me. Deciding that I’m probably safer nearer a larger town or city, you know hiding in plain sight and all that shit you see in the movies.
I look at Norfolk and wistfully remember we visited once when I was younger, taking a trip on the Broads, it was the one of the best holidays. I don’t think I ever saw my parents look so happy. It was always their love that had me wishing for the same. Now, I’m not so naïve because my hopes for the same have been tainted. I know how lucky they were, but that won’t ever be me, not now.
I decide against Norfolk, it’s somewhereheknows I’ve been, and I talked about fondly. Before I spiral into dark thoughts and things I wish I could forget but never will, I decide to take a walk to the station.
It’s early afternoon and there are plenty of people milling about, but I’m not sure if that’s better or worse. As I enter the station, a guy comes rushing out and nearly barrels me over. He doesn’t stop, not even a ‘sorry’ called over his shoulder. Bastard!
My heart is pounding inside my chest, and my breathing has spiked. Please, god, don’t let me have a panic attack right here, right now. I step to the side and lean against the wall, taking in some slow, deep breaths right from the gut. I rest my head back on the wall and close my eyes, conscious that it’s not the best idea, but if I want this to pass and the heavy weight settling in on my chest to go away, it’s what I need to do.
I don’t know how long I stand there, but slowly the tightness lessens, my heart rate slows and breathing becomes easier. As I open my eyes, I become aware of someone standing off to the left of me. From my periphery, I see it’s a woman holding a little girl’s hand.
“Excuse me, Miss, are you alright?” she asks. As I turn to look at her, I can see a small, but concerned smile on her face. I pass a quick glance at the little girl by her side before looking back to the woman in front of me.
“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.” I can see the question on the tip of her tongue, so I quickly add, “I was running for my train, but I missed it. No bother, there’ll be another along any minute.” Whilst it’s clear she doesn’t believe me, she nods, accepting my lie before going on her way. I watch them as they leave and can just make out the little girl, who appears to be around four years old, ask her mother “Why was the lady so sad mummy?” and my heart breaks a little bit more. If that’s even possible. Pulling myself together and drawing in a deep breath, I head for the counter.
Sleep evaded me last night, not surprising in the slightest. My panic attack, although minor, combined with the little girl and her mother, left my mind in turmoil. And now, I need to lock that shit up tight. I can’t afford for my mind to take me back there, last night was it, the last time.
The sun is just coming up and as my train doesn’t leave until 8.30am, I decide to take a shower and go for breakfast.
After I paid for my train ticket last night, I realised I had enough money to get breakfast, and with hardly any food yesterday and no idea when the next time I eat will be, I take this opportunity.
