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Twenty-Six
Jamie
Seb refused to let me go home alone, and to be honest, I’m grateful since the bastard that attacked me and killed Alex is still out there. If whoever this is, is prepared to go to such lengths as killing someone, then there is no reason to think they wouldn’t try to get to me again.
Seb ran me a bath, and now I’m lying here, almost fully submerged, with the water dulling my hearing. It’s a shame it can’t do the same for my feelings.
Feelings? That one word can encompass so much, and yet, it’s almost impossible to switch it off. I thought I’d done it years ago, but with the arrival of Cam, my feelings slowly began to seep back in. Now a man, who it seems is cooking in my kitchen based on the delicious smells emanating from downstairs, has done the impossible. Or so I thought. There was no slow seeping of feelings when I met Seb. No, it was more like a volcano. Everything that had lay dormant for years and had been bubbling away after meeting Cam, suddenly erupted. All the feelings I’d tried to lock away, to shut down, spewed forth in a flood of emotions that I have no idea how to deal with.
My mind and body doesn’t know how to manage so many at once. So many different ones. Anger at my parents, especially my mum for her affair. Shame, and even a lick of fear, after my attack. Lingering bitterness and resentment at what happened to Josh and Amber preventing me from getting any closure after they betrayed me. And now to top it all off, sadness at the loss of my friend. Mixed in with all this is a stirring of love. Love for a man who appears to embody everything I hate about a man. But no matter how hard I try to stay away from him, fate has other ideas. I’m not a big believer in fate, and if I were, I’d say it has a twisted fucking sense of humour trying to pair me with a guy who whores around and doesn’t do relationships past a night of sex. It doesn’t go unnoticed that I just described myself. It also doesn’t pass me by that a single night of sex hasn’t been enough to satiate my desire for Seb.
I’m even more thrown by Seb’s behaviour towards me in the last twenty-four hours, and I can’t decide if it’s because of what happened and he’s just being a caring friend, or if this is something else altogether. What does all of this mean? What do we mean to each other? These are questions I need to find answers to, but my brain has reached its capacity for puzzle solving, so I sink beneath the now tepid water, holding my breath for as long as possible before bursting back up as the need to breathe becomes too much to bear.
When I make it back downstairs, we sit down to eat the fry up Seb has managed to scrape together with my limited supplies. Food shopping hasn’t exactly been high on the priority list lately.
Seb wolfs down his food like he hasn’t eaten in forever, whereas I pick at mine and push it around my plate while starring down at it, but not really seeing it. I feel the tension and the questions Seb is itching to ask like a tangible thing. A living, breathing entity, weighing heavily in the air.
The clatter of metal on china has me lifting my head to see Seb sitting opposite me, plate clean, elbows resting on the counter with his hands joined beneath his chin as he leans forward slightly watching me intently.
“Stop looking at me like that, and just ask the damn question, Seb.” There’s a bite to my tone that I hope hides my unease at what’s coming next.
“Okay. Who are Josh and Amber?”
Straight for the heart. Can’t really complain, I did tell him to ask his questions, and I was stupid to think he would skirt around the burning question.
I drop my head, unable to look at him as I prepare to bare my deepest pain to him. I fight against the part of me that wants to rage at him for making me face something I’ve avoided for so long, but I suppose it was inevitable given what is going on between us, and almost impossible to avoid following Alex’s death and my little outburst this morning. Who knows, maybe it will be cathartic to get it out there. And maybe not.
I push my unease down to the pit of my gut and take a deep breath, then say, “Josh was my boyfriend and first love at college. We knew each other at school, that’s how I know…knew Alex. Him and Josh were good friends. Amber was my best friend, and I know you’re not stupid, so can easily put two and two together to figure out how they betrayed me.” I finish with a tilt of my head and a shrug before picking up a crumb from the table, dropping it on my plate and looking everywhere but at Seb.
I hear a grunt from Seb, and when I chance a look at him, his nostrils are flaring. “And what happened to Josh?” The words are strained, and I have the feeling Seb is picturing all the ways he’d like to punish Josh for what happened. I have pictured them all myself. Given half a chance I would have happily castrated Josh and made Amber watch with a perverse delight.
“Josh and Amber are both dead,” I deadpan, as I try to control the flare of bitterness that talking about him dredges up. I watch Seb’s eyes widen at my revelation about them both being dead. “And no, I didn’t have anything to do with it, although I won’t deny the idea did cross my mind.”
Seb relaxes the muscles that tensed at my admission before he asks, “And let me guess, you hate them both even more for not allowing you the opportunity to get answers to all the questions that come from such a deep betrayal?”
I’m shocked by Seb’s ability to read me so well for someone who has only known me for such a short time. It makes me uncomfortable. It fucking terrifies me if I’m honest. Unable to form words, I simply nod my head. I hear the scraping of metal on the tiles as Seb pushes his stool back and gets to his feet. The next minute, he’s spinning me round to stand in front of me and lifting my chin to look up at him.
“Hey. What you’re feeling is perfectly natural. It’s unfinished business, Jamie. What you need to remember is that what they did to you, was not your fault.” I try to interrupt him, but he continues, “It was on them, and them alone. You’re beautiful, passionate, loyal and loving, there is no way it was something you did that made them betray you like that.” Seb brushes my lips with his own, and my heart slams against my chest at his words and gentle kiss, and I drop my head again.
I’ve not known this level of intimacy since I was twenty, and I struggle to get a handle on my emotions. Seb grasps my face in his hands, tilting my head up to look in his eyes. The moment stretches on for what feels like an age, and I see the truth of his words in his eyes. It doesn’t ease the apprehension running wild in my veins, if anything it intensifies it as I battle to understand what it all means.
My phone buzzes on the counter, breaking the moment and giving me a small reprieve, but I know there’s going to come a point where I’ll have to face facts; I think I’m falling in love with Seb.
Seb drops his hands, and I pick up my phone to read the message. It’s from Jasper in reply to the one I sent before leaving Rick’s asking to meet up.
“It’s Jasper. He wants to meet in an hour. At the station,” I tell Seb, hesitantly.
“Fuck. I’m not sure this is a good idea, Jamie? I don’t like the guy.” I tilt my head, giving him a ‘really, no kidding’ look. “It’s not just that, there’s something about him. Something that doesn’t add up.”
I consider his words because I know there is definitely something not entirely honest about him and his reasons for our meeting, but without proof, I just have to go with what we do have.
“I get it. I do, but I need to do what I can to help catch whoever killed Alex. And besides, Jay will be with me.” I drop my phone back to the counter.
“Yeah, and he better not leave your side if he values his life.” Seb steps back, and I drop down from the stool. I can see he’s still unhappy about me not letting him come, but this is for the best. I really don’t need two guys fighting over me any time, but right now is definitely not it.
* * *
I arriveat the station and wait for Jay. Lucky enough to find a parking space across the road, I watch people coming and going. I’m so lost in thought, that the rap of knuckles on my window have me swallowing a scream and clutching my hand to my chest.
