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Nine
It wasLuca’s idea to meet after school to discuss things. He didn’t elaborate at lunch, so I could only assume it was about my dad’s news. It couldn’t be about anything else. He didn’t know what happened the night before. He couldn’t.
My guilt was something I was going to have to accept and quickly. If I was going to have a future with the guys, a real long-term relationship, then I had to find a way to compartmentalize. Last night had nothing to do with my feelings for any of them except Gavin. The same reason I didn’t want them to know was the same thing I needed to drill into my mind.
There was no playing catch-up or making things even with each of them. Just because Gavin and I had reached a new level, didn’t mean I needed to hurry and take my clothes off for the rest of them.
Things would progress naturally at their own pace. They didn’t know about each other. I did. That was the problem.
“You okay?” Gavin asked before we got out of his car.
He was the only person I could talk to about any of this. Well, outside of calling the girls, and I didn’t have time for that.
“You know how I said I wanted to keep all of our relationships separate?”
He nodded.
“I think I’m having a hard time doing that.”
He shifted a few inches to better face me. “What do you mean?”
“I know what I'm feeling is wrong. It goes against what I’ve told you guys, but I’m having a hard time not feeling guilty.”
“About last night?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I didn’t know how to form the words to say what I was feeling.
“Do you regret it?” His voice was quiet, but it got my attention instantly.
“No, Gavin. Absolutely not.” I cracked a smile. “Not for a second.”
“Then why do you feel guilty?” I could tell he was genuinely trying to understand. Problem solving, as always.
“I think a part of me thinks I need to catch up with the others now.”
His brows shot up, but he didn’t say anything immediately.
“What?” I finally asked.
He cleared his throat. “I . . .”
I watched him, waiting for him to continue.
He finally blinked and met my eyes. “I didn’t think I was the first.”
I dropped my eyes to my lap. I shouldn't be embarrassed. We were past that. “You were.”
I peeked up just in time to see him smile, but he recovered and turned serious. “I don’t know what to tell you that you probably haven’t already said to yourself. You were the one that didn’t want us comparing ourselves.”
I huffed a laugh. “I know.”
“But you’re also the only one who knows where you are with each of us. I guess that’s a lot of pressure.”
I rubbed my cheek. “Is there a solution?” If there was, he would know.
“Either we’re open and tell each other, or you find a way to move past this.” He took my hand. “I know neither option is great, but in the grand scheme of things, it won’t be like this forever.”
“What do you mean?” I stared into his eyes.
