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Declan gestures to a table covered in free drink poker chips. As I look up from the table, I realise my mum and Jess are sitting with him. Okay, scratch what I just said, there is something worse than introducing Rocco to my ex, it’s introducing him to my mum too. Not that there’s anything wrong with my mum. Of all the people in my life, she’s the easiest one for new people to meet, for sure, but there’s something intense about introducing a guy to your mum, especially when he isn’t expecting it – even more so when said mum is out for drinks with your ex. What?!
‘What are you guys doing here?’ I ask as I take a seat at the table with them.
‘Billie, darling, what a wonderful surprise,’ Mum says through a beaming smile. ‘Declan invited us to the big opening. He said he’d buy us drinks.’
‘I thought you were skint,’ I point out accusingly.
‘I am,’ he replies, in as hushed tones as possible. ‘Did you see the gigantic clown face on the wall over there? I painted it for them. My choices were money or they offered me more bang for my buck if I took part of my payment in free drink tokens. So I figured I’d take more tokens than money, so that it would be a long time before I needed to buy drinks on a night out. That way, I can spend money on things that matter, and not waste it on drinks, because the drinks are free.’
Oh lord, have mercy, he thinks he’s a genius. He has no idea how stupid that sounds. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry aboutthisclown any more.
‘So, where’s Fee?’ Mum asks. ‘I have to admit, I was surprised, when you said you were meeting her for a drink tonight, given how you usually describe her. I’d be interested to meet her.’
So obviously, when people were asking me what I was doing tonight, and Declan invited me out drinking with him, I made up something about going to a pre-Christmas drink with Fee from work, even thought I’d rather drink from the toilet than socialise with her out of hours.
‘She’s gone home,’ I reply quickly. ‘You just missed her. Her daughter has just had a baby so she’s spending the holidays with them. She needed to get home, to bed, she’s got an early start tomorrow.’
It always helps to legitimise a lie, by throwing something true in there with it, blurring the line between what’s true and what’s false.
‘Were you on your way home then?’ Jess asks, sort of suspiciously, but a long way away from accusing me of anything.
‘I was,’ I reply.
‘Well, now you’re not,’ Declan insists. ‘The drinks are on me. I’ll go grab a round.’
‘Are you okay?’ Mum asks me. Obviously I’m not, I’m in a real pickle, but I can’t admit that, not without telling them who I’m really here with, and there’s no way Mum and Jess wouldn’t be bursting to meet Rocco, once they found out I was here with a boy. ‘You’re not upset that we’re here with Declan, are you?’
‘We’re only here for the free drinks,’ Jess points out, although I’d already guessed as much. ‘We might as well get something out of him.’
‘Oh, no, it’s fine,’ I insist. ‘I’m just tired.’
‘A few cocktails will change that,’ Jess insists.
I shift uncomfortably in my seat. How the hell am I going to get myself out of this one?
‘I’ll say this quickly, before Declan gets back.’ Mum starts leaning closer for a moment. ‘I thought you were meeting a boy. I was even more convinced, when I saw how panicked you were about bumping into Declan. Of course, now I realise that your reaction was probably just appropriate, given that he’s your ex. It’s a shame Fee had to go home so early, but what a lovely coincidence, that we’re here together.’
‘See, that’s a normal reaction to seeing a no-good ex,’ Jess points out. ‘You don’t laugh at their jokes and make French toast together.’
‘Jessica May, we’re all under one roof for Christmas, are you honestly saying you would prefer it if your dad and I were not civil with one another?’ Mum asks, full-naming her.
‘Erm, there’s being civil, and then there’s him bending you over the kitchen island.’
‘Not my kitchen island?’ I blurt stupidly. First of all, because my worktops are not the things that need to be worried about the most in this scenario. Also, because who else’s kitchen island is it going to be? Everyone lives with me at the moment.
Mum laughs and rolls her eyes.
‘He was showing me how to knead,’ she insists.
‘He was showing you how to needsomething,’ Jess says in disgust. ‘Honestly, it was like a really gross remake ofGhost. One where I wished I was the dead one.’
‘He was just showing me his new technique,’ Mum tells me.
That’s what I’m afraid of.
‘Okay, ladies, here we go,’ Declan announces as he places a tray of three bright pink drinks garnished with candy floss down on the table in front of us.
‘These look great,’ Jess says, her smile the only thing wider than her eyes. But then she notices me noticing how delighted she looks. ‘But none of this means we forgive you. You’re still in the family bad books – forever.’
