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“What I mean is, none of my guy friends really connect with me.” I stop breathing for one, two, three strides. “We have stuff in common,” she continues as if her declaration is no big deal. “But they never seemed to get me. Not like you do.”
I do get her. With Shelly, everything clicks into place.
At one point, everything clicked with Kelsey too. Or so I thought. Then, she pummeled me with her proclamation and I lost sight of all perspective. Doubted every gut instinct I felt. Because how did I not see that coming? How did I not know my girlfriend of three years, who seemed happy and in love with me, wanted to break up?
Is this where things are headed with Shelly? Down the path of promises and hearts on display. Souls exposed and futures on the line. Not sure I can walk down that path again. Not after where it led me last time.
Shelly is not Kelsey. Shelly has years of wisdom and heart guiding her. But if I let her all the way in and lose her, the end would be pure devastation. For us both.
“Not sure what to say.”
Part of me wants to nix our friendship. Call it quits before it becomes something more, deeper, unbreakable. Before either of us navigates this irreversible path.
I should walk away now, say goodbye as we go our separate ways. But abandoning Shelly is impossible. Just the idea of walking away steals my breath. Forms a fault line in my heart. Has me mentally bending at the waist and retching.
I hate the piece of me that needs her. Needs her aura and light. Craves her smile and warmth. Begs for her timid conversation and unrelenting attention.
I also love how much I need her.
She spins around, walks backward, and grants me the smile I see every time I close my eyes. “You don’t need to say anything. I just wanted to tell you.” She spins back and walks beside me again.
The next quarter mile of our walk around the lake is blanketed in silence. Our pace leisure. Her arms swing at her sides as she glances up at the trees. I shove my hands in my hoodie pockets to avoid reaching for hers. Wouldn’t be surprised if my body did it involuntarily. Not with the level of gravity Shelly harbors.
Her behavior the last few days wiggles its way to the surface. The uncomfortable, tense silence. Her stiff posture and dejected body language. I work to force the memory away but fail miserably.
“Can I ask something?”
“Yes.”
Deep breaths. It’s just a question and I am probably overreacting. Still, my stomach twists and flips. “Did something happen?”
“Not sure I understand?” Her gaze falls from the trees and heats my cheek, my jaw, my neck.
“The other day, you texted about your friend having her baby. You seemed really happy. Since then, not so much. Did something happen?”
A chill blankets my skin the second she looks away. Shelly stays quiet for several paces, and I wonder if the question was too personal or somehow upset her.
We happen upon an empty bench by the lake. She ambles off the path and goes straight for the bench without a word. I stay a few feet back until we both sit. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch how intently she focuses on the lake. Watch as she searches for a way to tell me what occupied her mind. What had a gray cloud floating over her.
“This is going to sound stupid.” Her eyes scan the bank of the lake as she works her jaw back and forth.
When she doesn’t continue, I bump her shoulder with my arm. “Nothing you say is stupid.”
She laughs without humor. “Just wait.” I grant her the time she needs. Don’t interrupt while she compiles the words in her mind. And then she spills her secrets. “I read too much into your response after I texted you that day.”
“When your friend had her baby?”
“Mm-hmm.”
What did I say?Think, think, think.
I go back a few days in my memory bank. Remember the picture she sent of her with the baby. Recall the way I stroked her cheek in the image before I replied. Then, I hang my head. Mentally slap myself for the responses I sent her. I’d let my mind wander and didn’t think before typing either text.Shit.No wonder she has been distant. If our roles were reversed, I would be too.
I complimented her. Told her she was beautiful. Which is true, but could be taken out of context. Considering I define the friendship line every time we see each other, my words undoubtedly confused the hell out of her. Then I drove the nail deeper and told her I wouldn’t have children without full commitment. Followed by my disinterest in serious relationships. With two texts, I went from one extreme to the other. Said something wonderful, then followed it up with distance and heartless words.
God, I am a fucking idiot. And a goddamn mess.
“It wasn’t my intention to upset you.”
