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I stare at the present Aaron slid in the window and my heart shudders.
He came to apologize, and I didn’t let him.
He asked if I slept with Jesse.
Hard to blame him, considering I accidentally implied Ispent the nightwith him. And I’m wearing his shirt. Yanking it off, I flip it over and stare at Jesse’s last name. I can’t help but think how much easier it would be if I’d fallen for him. I’d know exactly what to expect and we wouldn’t be able to crush each other. It would be easy.
Because it would be meaningless.
It wouldn’t give me chills or make my head spin. It wouldn’t make me so giddy I feel like my head is filled with cotton candy, and it wouldn’t make me feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest when I don’t have it.
I find my hand making its way to my heart. The place where Aaron has resided for a lot longer than I want to admit.
We’ve been through so much together. Is this how I want it to be? I’m mad at him, even more than I was last month, but I still… love him.
I still want to be with him.
Damn it all. I still want this. Still want us. It’s impossible to give up on because nothing has ever felt like this before. I know nothing ever will again. I wouldn’t want it to.
Aaron has always been the one who makes me happy. Being apart from him is breaking me.
I think it’s time to fix it. All in, whatever it takes.
I don’t know what to do or say or how to come back from what I’ve done and said today or yesterday or over the last few weeks, but I’ve gotta try. I’m ready to finally move forward.
Together?
I hope so.
Now I have to hope he comes over tonight. After everything, I have to hope he hasn’t given up on me or us yet.
After a long, relaxing shower, I had a girls’ day with Mackie and Sarah, during which we discussed nipple orgasms—which are a real thing—and why Sarah was in Joel’s room. She and Joel made out! I can’t believe this.I wonder if there’ssomething morebrewing between them.
Hah. Yeah. I should not be worrying about other people’s love lives when mine is an utter train wreck.
After girl time, I had a relaxing dinner with Sarah and my parents. Then Sarah and I made cupcakes and watched a movie so we could continue our tradition of eating a cupcake together at midnight. As always, she was the first to wish me a happy birthday.
Now I’m sitting alone in my room, trying to pretend my heart isn’t hurting as much as it is. Because Aaron isn’t here. Not that I can blame him. After how I’ve cut him out the last few weeks, and especially the last two days, why would he be here?
I handled it all wrong. When I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me, I shrivel up. I don’t know why I close up so tight, but I don’t want to anymore. I want to be open to him, even if I don’t completely know how.
I look over at the present, sitting there, mocking me. I think about opening it, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
Glancing at the window again, I grab my phone. I open my texts and stare down at his name. Then I turn my screen off. Four times I do this, but I can’t think of the right thing to say. I don’t want him to think it’s all okay, that I’m not still mad or hurt. But I need him. I miss him. I want to figure this out. I said I was going to be all in. It’s time. It’s going to be messy, but at least it will be something.
Turning my phone screen on for the fifth time, I decidescrew it. I’m going to woman-up. I’m about to press the phone icon next to his name when there’s a knock on my window.
My heart stops.
It can’t be Aaron. Can it? After everything, did he still come?
Another knock.
I leap out of bed and lunge for the window, unlocking it.
A moment later, I’m face to face with Aaron.
Chapter thirteen
