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My mind is swirling and I can’t make sense of much, but I know one thing. I need Aaron. I need to see him and talk to him.
I reach for my phone. It’s too early, only around five in the morning, but I open my texts and click on his name, anyway.
Me: Any chance you could be awake right now?
I lie back on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
My brain is a swirling vortex of emotions, each one different from the last, half of them opposing the others. How can I be thinking of love and all that when everything else still feels so wrong?
My phone goes off.
Ace: Are you okay?
Me: …would you come over?
Ace: Two minutes.
I let out a little sigh.
And then start wondering what I’ve done.
And what I’m going to do next.
Am I going to break down?
Tell him everything I’ve been thinking, everything I’ve been going through?
Kiss him?
Tell him about the dream?
Tell him how I feel?
How do I feel?
Maybe I’ll know more when I see him, hold him. Because that’s what I want right now. I want to feelhim. His presence. Everything he is. The way I feel in his arms. His love.
His love?
Oh shit, I’m in deep.
I nearly jump out of my skin when there’s a knock at my window.
I unlock it and slide it up slightly. He opens it all the way and climbs in. He’s wearing a V-neck white T-shirt and gray sweatpants.
He slides off his flip-flops and squats down next to the bed, running his hand over my hair.
“You okay?”
I swallow hard at his touch because it sends tingles through my whole body. But it also makes me want to cry. Every single feeling I’ve pushed down is trying to flow out of me now.
“I—I—I don’t know.” I let out a sigh as he looks me over. “You told me to tell you when I was ready, when I needed you, and… I think I might be. It’s confusing.” I shake my head, knowing I’m not making any sense. “I had a weird dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. But it’s more than that… I’m sorry.”
“For what?” he asks, still gently running his hand over my hair.
“For pushing you away. Lying to you. You were right. I’m not okay. I haven’t been. There’s so much twisted up inside me and I have no idea how to deal with it or where to start. I guess I texted you because I wanted to feel… us, if that makes sense.”
He smiles at me and slides off his sweats.
