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I can’t text him.
I wanted him so badly last week. Those feelings are still there, but they’re mixed with all this other chaos inside me, and I can’t deal with them. I can’t turn off my feelings when I’m around him, but I can’t deal with them, either.
Aaron must know that, since he’s been trying to turn off his feelings. But you can’t do that. You can’t turn off chemistry, connection, love.
In the midst of all this, I realized with certainty, this isn’t me crushing on him or my feelings finally awakening. I’m in love with him. Some part of me probably has been for years. And now he’s all I want, but I can’t have him. I’m not ready.
I sink back into bed, my body shaking with sobs.
I hate this.I just want to be me again.
“Rae baby? Oh, shit.” Sarah is across the room and curled next to me in bed in mere seconds.
She wraps her arms around me and holds me tightly.
“I had another dream,” I sniffle.
“I’m so sorry. I’m here. You can tell me if you want to.”
I shake my head vehemently. “I don’t want to relive it again.” And that’s all those dreams are. My brain reliving it over and over.
“Sounds like PTSD,” Sarah whispers.
“Like soldiers?” I mutter, confused.
“Like anyone who’s been through trauma,” Sarah says gently. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think you need to tell Mom and Dad.”
I push out of her arms and stare at her wide-eyed. “No. I—I can deal with it—”
“What if it were me? Would you tell me to tell them? You always encourage me to talk to Mom and Dad when I’m struggling.”
“It’s different,” I say, wiping at my eyes. Even though I’m not sure it is.
“Why? Because my trauma was from when I was young and they already know?” She sighs. “Look, I’m glad you’re talking to me about this. I don’t want to push you. Promise me you’ll think about it?”
I give a little nod. “I will. I think—I need to try to work through it by myself first. I haven’t really tried. I’ve been numb or weepy. But I haven’t tried to work it all out. I want to try first.”
She nods and wraps an arm around my back. I rest my head on her shoulder.
“At least I know you’re talking to me about it now. And Aaron.” I bristle at the mention of his name, and Sarah looks at me, confused. “What the hell was that?”
“I was talking to Aaron, but—I’m in love with him, Sarah. And it’s too much. I can’t deal with that right now. But whenever I’m with him, I can’t shake those feelings. They’re impossible to ignore.” I start crying again. “I can’t even be around him without feeling more fucked up.” I snuffle on my tears as she gently plays with my hair. “That asshole took everything from me. Comfort, my sense of self, and now my safe place.” I cry harder because Aaron is all I want, but he’s everything I can’t have right now. I can’t handle it. And it’s not fair.
Sarah kisses the side of my head, then gets up, double checks that my window is locked, closes the curtain all the way, then turns off the light and climbs back in bed. She wraps her arms around me.
“I know I’m not your safest place, but I’m here, and I’ve got you.”
“I love you,” I whisper.
“Love you too, Rae baby. Always.”
I rest my head against hers, and for now, I feel safer. Knowing I’m not alone, I slowly drift off to sleep.
Aaron
“Cooper! Get over here!” Coach yells at me.
Shit.
