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“I get it,” I whisper.
She sits quietly for a second, then looks at me. “Would you do it differently? Knowing what happened with Aaron, would you still have started things with him?”
I take a moment before I answer, mostly because that question awakens a swell of emotions.
“I never had a choice, Sarah. It’s like he’s a part of me. Somewhere deep in my DNA it was written that we’re supposed to find each other. I love him in such a profound, complicated way. And no matter how crazy it sounds, I love him more now than when we first got together. I hate where we are now. I hate that he hurt me. I hate that I constantly recognize a new way I hurt him. I hate that we’re apart. I hate that I’m a mess and don’t have the slightest clue how to fix my shit. And I hate that I can’t magically fix us. But I don’t regret it. It’s hard as hell, but I have to believe that it’s a part of our path. My world doesn’t make sense if we don’t end up together. Our souls have been twisted together since the day we met. I don’t want to untangle them, even if I could.”
She sniffs back tears, then shakes her head. “It does sound insane. But it’s you guys. We could always see that connection between you. But Joel and I aren’t you and Aaron.” She lets out a soft sigh. “I’m nowhere near wanting to be serious with anyone right now. I can’t play fast and loose with Joel. So for now, I’m keeping him in the friend zone where he’s safe. Where we both are.”
I squeeze her hand tightly. “Just don’t hide your heart,” I whisper.
She looks at me like I’m crazy and starts laughing. “Trust me, I’ve learned enough from watching you. That’s not the answer.”
I elbow her in the ribs, laughing. “Gee, thanks.”
She links her elbow through mine and rests her head on my shoulder. “Love you, Rae baby.”
I kiss her forehead and rest my head against hers. “I love you too.”
We turn back to the game and my eyes catch Aaron’s.
I wouldn’t trade us for anything, even when we’re a mess.
Aaron
Rae’s eyes are intense as she looks at me. I was watching her and Sarah have what looked to be a deep conversation. This isn’t a big stadium, and I could see the emotion on their faces from here. She was acting strange the other morning, too. The morning we found out about Charleston. I wanted to ask her, but I didn’t want to push. She keeps her deepest emotions to herself on a good day. Still, I don’t want us to be that way, but I don’t know how to ask that when we aren’t together. Our entire relationship feels like it’s a constant state of if/and/but/or. Maybe.When.I hate it. How can we fix things if we don’t talk about them? But then if we do, there’s an expectation that we’ll be together again.
My head is spinning.
I focus on the field. Nothing like a game to ground my thoughts. Jesse’s team is good. And Jesse looks like he’s on a mission. The announcer has droned on about this brother vs. brother crap, but the two of them aren’t getting sucked in. They took a second to talk before the game, and Joel seemed to give Jesse a pep talk. I’m glad to see their closeness. Joel isn’t close to his other brothers. Jared, the oldest, is an asshole on a good day. And not in a likable way like Jesse is. Jonathan is quiet and withdrawn and much more like his mom’s side of the family. Though Joel and Jesse are different, they’re both smart, funny, outgoing, and the kind of people others are drawn to. Jesse because of his charm. Joel because of his charisma.
I glance back at the stands as Miles and Mackie sit down with Rae and Sarah. I realize Carrie isn’t there and my gaze wanders to the other side of the stadium. I don’t see her anywhere.
I watch as Jesse heads up to bat. Andy is pitching tonight, and he’s doing okay, but Jesse is swinging like a monster at any pitch that comes near him. He wails one to deep left field and ends up on second. This game is gonna be tight.
“Look, Jesse is on fire tonight. You have to stay calm. Walk him if you need to.”
Our closer shrugs it off and looks straight ahead. “I’m fine.”
I practically roll my eyes. He doesn’t want to listen? Fine. He’ll lose the game and Coach will let him have it. I’ve learned the hard way. There’s only so much I can do.
As I’m jogging back to the dugout, I glance over at Jesse. The look in his eyes makes my stomach turn. It’s… cold. Never a word I’d use to describe Jesse. He’s lively and wild constantly. It’s annoying sometimes. I watch his stance and the intensity in his eyes.
We’re screwed.
Our closer starts out with a curveball. Surprisingly, Jesse doesn’t swing. He’s been a force, reaching for every ball possible tonight.
Next he throws a changeup. Strike two.
I watch Jesse gently shift his weight and stare our pitcher down.
Third pitch. Fastball.Fuck.
Jesse smashes the thing. I know it’s a home run as soon as I hear the crack of his bat against it. Not just a homerun. It’s a grand fucking slam.
Coach is screaming.
Our pitcher is white as a sheet.
