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No, don’t leave. That’s what everything inside of me is screaming. But I can’t seem to make myself say the words to stop her from going. After how I talked to her, I don’t deserve her company. Even if I want it. Even if Ineedit.
Instead, my dumbass self says, “Okay, goodnight. I, uh, love you too.”
She nods.
Then she’s gone.
And I am a lonely jackass who just drove away the person I need the most. The person who I wanted to be here, even though I was being an ass.
I think about texting her and asking her to come back, going to her room to apologize. But I got the message. Her giving me space was as much about her needing to be away from me.
I’m a fucking disaster, so I can’t blame her.
I embrace the suck and go finish my test corrections. Then I plow through my group project assignment, and hell, while I’m at it, I pound out two chapters of the book for myothershitty literature class. When I’m finished with all that, it’s still barely nine.
I grab my phone, and seeing no texts, decide to go to bed early.
Friday night freshman year of college and I’m going to bed before ten.
I lie down but can’t sleep. I’m cranky and miserable considering how things went with Rae earlier. It feels wrong without her in my arms.
I grab my phone and send her text.
Me: Sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have yelled. I love you.
Beautiful: You know I love you too. Night, Ace.
I stare at her text. If she wanted to come over, she’d already be here.
Me: Goodnight. Sleep well.
I set my phone down and turn to stare at my ceiling. It’s not fair for me to want her in my arms right now, but I do. I’m a mess and I want my person. But then I don’t talk about shit and I yell at her. I’m trying to figure it out on my own, so she doesn’t have to deal with my bullshit.
You’re going to hurt her.
The words Joel said to me in August hit like a fucking freight train.
That’s what I’m doing right now, isn’t it? I never want to hurt her. I hate seeing her upset. Fuck, it would be so much easier to deal with all this if I was single.
No.
I did not just think that.
Rae is everything I want. Everything I fought for. I love her so much I can’t think straight. That was some bullshit thought that does not deserve a second more of my time.
Tomorrow I’m going to get up, go see Rae, and apologize. I’ll tell her a little bit, enough to make it easier. Then we can move forward.
I shove my wireless earbuds in and put on our playlist, finally calming down enough to sleep.
When I wake up in the morning, I feel groggy and more worn out than I should. Probably because I still feel emotionally fucked up from yesterday.
Rae.
I shoot out of bed as Joel walks in, drying his hair.
“Morning, Sleeping Beauty. You were out cold when I got back last night and didn’t wake up when my alarm went off. I was starting to think you were dead.”
I roll my eyes at him. “I’m fine. I just need to go see Rae.”
