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When did I become this girl? The whiny girl obsessed with a boy? I know I love him, but clearly I can’t keep loving him like this. I need to remember who I am, who Iwas. Before I was with Aaron. Hell, before I was with Davey. Back then I was Rae McKinley, the girl who kissed a different boy at every party. And sometimes at the same party. I was relaxed, carefree, and bold. And I had a lot of fun.
I want to be that way again.
Decision made.
This summer is not about chasing Aaron down. He knows where I stand. Who knows how long it will be before he’s ready? I can’t keep my heart in my hands, waiting to give it to him. It’s time to tuck it away. It’ll still be there when he’s ready.
I can totally do that while trying to be friends with Aaron, right?
Yep. Then I’ll build a rocket ship and fly to the moon.
Whatever. I will deal with all of that tomorrow. Tonight I’m going to use every bit of strength I have to revel in this.Us.Because I have no idea when I’ll have it again.
My gaze returns to Aaron. “Why don’t we look at the stars some more? Just no more music, okay?”
There’s a streak of disappointment across his face, and I’m not sure why. He pushes it away and nods. “Yeah, let’s do that.”
We lie back down, this time not touching. We stare at the stars, occasionally chatting and pointing out constellations.
I thought tonight would crush me, but I realize now I’ve been crushing myself.
Aaron
I drop onto my bed and run my hand over my face, muttering a few curse words as I do.
Tonight did not go like I planned.
When she started crying?
I almost told her I might be ready, but her heart was already hurting. I didn’t want to set her up for more hurt. So I didn’t tell her. Maybe I should have.
But watching her recoil from me, tuck herself into a ball—the physical display of her pulling away from me—triggered me. And it solidified in me that while I might personally be ready for a relationship again, starting things with Rae isn’t so simple. There’s still a lot of hurt there and some things I need to figure out before I’m ready to get into this with her again.
The rest of the night might’ve seemed better, but I know it wasn’t. She put a wall up and her walls are not easy to break through. It doesn’t matter how much she says she’s ready for us. It doesn’t matter that I want to be with her. It doesn’t matter how much we miss each other. The fact is, when it comes to each other and our relationship, we’re still a wreck. I have to figure out how to deal with that first.
Or… maybe I’m scared. But watching her pull away tonight felt the same as it did in October. It felt like the proof I needed. That we aren’t ready. But just like in October, maybe I’m seeing what I want to see.
Fuck.
I’m so far in my own head I can’t see anything objectively.
I need some sleep. And a mental break. And, hopefully, some more time with her to ease those walls down again and slowly rebuild the trust between us.
Cool. That’ll be super easy. I might as well climb Everest while I’m at it.
Chapter fourteen
Do Not Recommend
Rae
Sunlightpoursthroughthedeck window as I turn my air conditioner down another degree. Victorian houses are not known for staying cool in the summer or warm in the winter. Given the massive heat wave we’re having and my window being south-facing, my room is like a freaking boiler, despite it being only nine in the morning.
There’s a quick knock on the window before it slides open. Then Aaron is standing in my room. The sun creates a glow around him and he looks like a Greek fucking god.
Friends, I remind myself.Just friends.
“Hey,” he says, a sexy smile on his face.
