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This All Feels Wrong
Aaron
I’vebeentwistingandturning this stuff with Rae and me around in my mind. Over and over. Endlessly. All night long. And every time I end up in the same place. I don’t know how to move forward with her when she’s still doing things that make me scared to be with her.
I raise my hand and knock on the door before I lose my nerve. A moment later, the door swings open.
Miles’s mom stares at me with a sweet smile. “Hi, Aaron. How are you?”
I lean down and kiss her cheek like I do with all the moms. “I’m good, Katie. How about you? Sorry it’s so early.”
She waves a hand. “I’m always up early, but I’m sorry, Miles isn’t here. He went fishing with his dad.” I smile at that. Miles isn’t much of a fan of fishing, but he does it because he knows his dad loves it.
“That’s okay. I, uh, I actually came to talk to you if you have some time.”
Her brow briefly furrows, but she swings the door open. “Of course, come on in. I’ll make some tea.”
She leads me through her immaculate house to the kitchen. Knowing how things work here, I left my shoes off at the door. Their house is always clean and perfect. My mom used to wonder how she did it, but eventually Katie laughed it off and explained that she shells out the money for professional cleaners, then puts the finishing touches on it herself.
She motions to the stools at the kitchen counter and I take a seat. She flips the electric tea kettle on, then leans over the island on her elbows.
“What’s going on?”
I clear my throat.Man the fuck up and talk about your feelings. You can do this.
“Well, I came here for a couple of reasons. One thing to talk about, but I came toyoufor a couple of reasons. It has to do with Rae and me, and relationships in general. You obviously have a frame of reference for that from your job.” Katie has worked in social work or counseling her whole life. Over the last five years, she’s started a successful private practice as a couples counselor. “But I also wanted to talk to you because… Miles told me what you say about relationships, that it’s not about fifty-fifty, it’s about finding balance. He told me that you and Andy face hard things, but you always pick up the slack for the other. I guess I’m trying to figure out what that means and how to… do that. I’m trying to figure out if I’m ready to get back into a relationship with Rae.”
She nods slowly, smiling softly. “I’m glad you came to talk to me. It’s not easy figuring that stuff out alone. Let’s talk through it all.”
I blow out a breath and start unraveling the story. How we got together, how we fell apart, me at my worst, all of it.
“And now you think you want to be with her again?” Katie asks.
“I don’t have any doubt that I want to be with her. I love her. I hate being apart from her. But I’m worried it’s not the right time. I’m worried she isn’t ready. I’m worried if we don’t do it right, we’ll fall apart again.”
Katie gives my hand a squeeze and smiles softly. “You’re looking for a black and white answer when there isn’t one, Aaron. Relationships are murky. They’re imperfect. You’re never going to get it right because relationships are all about learning and growing together, not about doing things perfectly.” She sighs softly and looks around, then walks over and picks up a wedding photo of her and Andy. Sliding it in front of me, she points at them smiling at each other. “Those two people had no idea what they were doing. Not the slightest. We knew we loved each other. We knew we were supposed to fight for our relationship, but we didn’t really know how to do that. I thank God regularly that I got the degree I did and learned what I learned. It helped me understand how to approach my marriage. Believe me, there were times I wanted to give up. There were times I was so angry I didn’t want him to touch me again. But as I rode through those emotions, I realized they were a part of our journey. We were learning how to communicate. We were learning about ourselves. The longer we’ve been together, the stronger we’ve gotten. We understand each other better now. We know how to work together for our marriage. Instead of fighting against each other, we fight together.”
She moves the picture away and meets my eyes. “If you love her and you want to be with her, you have to be willing to do what it takes to learn and grow together.”
I barely meet her gaze as I force out the words I hate thinking. “What if she isn’t ready to do that?”
Katie smiles a knowing smile. “Are you scared she isn’t ready? Or are you afraid of getting hurt again?”
I look at her. “Both. But mostly the second one.”
She nods. “That’s the thing about love. It’s the ultimate risk. But it comes with the best rewards. If you want to be with her, Aaron, you have to be willing to risk your heart and trust her again.”
Those words given gently in her docile voice still manage to knock the wind out of me.
I’m scared to trust her again.
She’s probably scared to trust me, too.
We can’t figure anything out apart. I have to tell her.
Katie smiles widely at me. “By the look on your face, it seems like you’ve made a decision.”
I blink as I slowly nod.
