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I shake my head, guilt and pain coursing through me.
“No. What I did was worse. He broke up with me. Even if he still needed me, he ended things. I don’t love that he slept with that girl so close to us breaking up, but he had seen Kevin kiss me, and he did something dumb after he made it clear we were done. I told him I loved him. I told him I wanted to be with him. Then I slept with someone else. He has every right to feel hurt.”
“Maybe. But at the end of the day, if he wants to be with you…”
“No. I screwed up. This was Jesse of all people. And I just fell asleep next to him after like it was no big deal. I didn’t even pee! I’ll probably get a UTI, which would honestly be perfect karma at this point.”
“Rae baby…”
“I can’t keep doing this. Ever since our anniversary, I’ve been stuck and hung up on Aaron. Every second. He’s all I think about, and I’m doing dumb shit because of it. I need to focus on myself. I love Aaron and I want to be with him, but if he’s not ready, I need to accept that and focus on me.” Glancing over at the clock, I push myself up. “And that’s what I’m going to do. I’ve got outreach early this morning, then nannying, and I have some new initiative ideas Kristen gave me to look at over the summer for Promise. And you and the girls,” I say softly. “I love you.”
She squeezes my hand and leans over to kiss my cheek. “I love you too.”
With a deep breath, I try to muster confidence I don’t feel. Thinking of one thing that always makes me feel confident, I grab my phone and look up kickboxing classes at Reckless Gym & Training, the local gym, run by former boxer, Andre Barnes. And who better to teach you kickboxing than a former boxer? Then I quickly text Amanda, and we agree on a time to go each week.
I’m doing me.
Instead of doing dumb things.
Sarah glances at me tentatively.
“I won’t break if you tell me I messed up.”
She smiles at that. “You did something unlike you, something probably not too smart, but I also see you standing up and fighting. That’s what matters. It’s okay to make mistakes. I’ve made plenty. All of us have.”
“Even Miles?” I joke.
She shrugs. “He’ll get there eventually.”
We both laugh. “Okay. I’m going to get ready. I’ll talk to you later?”
“Of course. Try to have a good day.”
She waves as she walks out of the room, and I force myself out of bed and get ready for the day.
Aaron
Fucking Jesse.
That’s what she’s doing.
Fuck you, brain. I don’t need that shit right now.
I shouldn’t be as surprised as I am. I saw it coming.
Doesn’t mean I needed to see him leaving her room when she was naked in bed.
This is why I was afraid, I think.
I slam my truck door as I stalk toward the baseball fields. Joel and I are helping Coach set up for summer camp and I’m working with Jamie as well.
My stomach hurts. I’m not sure if I want to punch something or puke or—
“You okay?” Joel asks.
I look up and realize I’m at the field.
Nodding vigorously, I say, “Great.”
