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This is a big part of our problem. We’re so scared of what would happen if we hurt each other that we aren’t honest. I hide my heart from her. She hides hers from me. And then we fight. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I close my eyes, remembering that she said the same thing to me a few months ago. How are we still doing this? We’ve gotta stop. We have to be honest with each other and stop pushing each other away.
I find a photo of us at prom. The way we’re looking at each other… there’s so much love, so much tension. That was the night we first slept together. It felt like losing my virginity all over again. Nothing will ever compare to how it feels with her. I don’t want anything else to. She’s what I want.
I miss her. Every second I’m not with her, I miss her. I miss our random banter and the way she’d smile when she saw me. I miss the way she’d snuggle against me for no reason, just because she wanted my closeness. I miss the way she’d protect me. I miss her laugh. I miss holding her hand as we stare at the stars. I miss the feeling of warmth and safety and home that I don’t feel anywhere or with anyone else but with her. Most of all, I miss us. And I’m scared that I waited too long. I’m scared that we might not be able to fix it this time, that she might not want to.
I set my phone down. It’s time to stop our bullshit. I love her. I want her. I’m not perfect, I know that, but I’m ready to fight now. I’m ready to be honest and push past the hard stuff. She’s worth it. We are.
Part of me wants to storm over to her house and tell her all of it, but after what happened this morning, the last thing I want to do is push her. I’ll fight for her, but I won’t push her tonight. If she says she isn’t going to Charleston when we leave tomorrow, then I’ll handcuff myself to her and tell her it doesn’t matter where she is—I’m going to be there with her. I don’t care what I have to do. We’re going to figure this out.
Letting out a long breath, I lie down. We’re getting up ridiculously early to leave for Charleson, might as well attempt to get some damn sleep. I get comfortable in bed, but put my phone on loud and set it right next to my head. In case she texts me… I want to hear it.
I’m not expecting anything. I’m just trying to keep some hope. I have to have some hope. She held on to hers for how long? The least I can do is hold on to mine now.
Rae
The oreo milkshake I’m drinking goes down smooth.
About the only smooth thing in my life right now.
I messed everything up today. It hurt that Aaron wasn’t honest with me for months, but running doesn’t change anything.
Louder for the rest of me, that doesn’t seem to understand that.
Running doesn’t change anything!
It makes it all worse.
And it’s not who I want to be. It’s hard for me to let people in sometimes, but I have to stop closing myself off from Aaron. I didn’t realize how much I’d done it until I went back through… everything since we got together.
From the moment he started dating Caity, I closed a piece of my heart off from him. I thought I opened it up when we started dating, that I let him all the way in, but I realize now that I didn’t. I was always scared he was going to hurt me again, so I kept a piece of my heart Aaron-free in the name of protecting myself. Now I see I was hurting myself—and him—instead.
This has to stop.
No more running. Put a chain link cannonball around my ankle.Anything.But no more running from him, from us. And no more hiding.
I can’t love him or allow him to love me if I’m always trying to keep a part of me from him.
It doesn’t even make sense. Yes, the pain of being hurt is hard, but closing off a part of my heart hasn’t protected me. My heart can’t choose which emotions come through, so I didn’t feel any of them as vibrantly as I should have. Yes, pain hurts. But without pain, the good moments wouldn’t feel as beautiful and powerful as they do.
I want to feel it all. I’m ready to have it all with Aaron.
I’m ready to trust him.
Not that he won’t hurt me, or that I won’t hurt him. Of course we’ll hurt each other, it’s the nature of life. But we have to trust that no matter what, we’ll hold on to each other, work through that hurt, and heal.
We hurt each other on the way to being together and it scared us both. As best friends, we always trusted each other, but in the fear of our relationship changing, we stopped trusting in each other the way we needed to.
That was dumb.
Our love should have deepened that trust.
God, we’re idiots.
No wonder our friends are tired of our bullshit.
Well, no more.
I take another long glug of my milkshake, then exhale, closing my eyes.
