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“I came to grab coffee. And see you. Usually you leave a note—”
“Sorry,” he says, sounding anything but.
“Sorry? Look, I don’t expect you to be around me all the time, but last night you acted like I was a drug you couldn’t get enough of. Then this morning you were gone. It’s like emotional whiplash.”
He sighs and leans against the counter. “I just needed a shower. And some time alone.”
I nod. “Okay. Well, uh, I gotta get to class, anyway. Um…”
“Yeah?”
I bristle at the tone of his voice. “I just wanted to let you know I have a group project thing today, so I probably won’t be free till late. If you did want to see me.”
“I can survive without you, Rae.”
Tears prickle in my eyes. Obviously, he can. Butouch.The tone with which he said it freaking hurts. “Right. Of course.”
“Jesus, don’t start crying.”
My eyes widen. I’m emotional. He knows this. And he’s neverevergiven me crap for crying before. “S—sorry.” I stutter.
Sorry? Uh, no.
He exhales loudly and runs a hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean it like that.”Which thing?“Look, I’m in a bad mood. My classes probably won’t help. It’s better that you aren’t around me right now, anyway.”
Okay?
Except not okay. Not at all.
But before I actually manage to make any words, he leans forward, kisses my nose, and says, “Have a good day. Talk later.” Then he disappears into his room, leaving me wondering,what the hell was that?
Aaron
You pushed her away again. Great frickin’ job. And you yelled at her when she started to cry. Should’ve been yelling at yourself.
That’s the onslaught of things I’m yelling at myself instead of paying attention in this literature class.
Why was I such an asshole to her this morning? I woke up next to her and felt a deep ache. I drowned all my pain in her last night. This morning I woke up and felt like I didn’t deserve that. Like I didn’t deserve her. It only feels worse now. She’s so strong. She knows what she wants out of her life, and she’s going for it. She told me about that crazy competitive internship she wants. I know she’ll do what it takes to get it. What do I have?Her. And that’s about it.
Part of me wants to wallow in my misery, but I know it won’t help. Of course, I was such a jackass to her this morning, and I haven’t even been able to see her today to make it up to her.
Our professor clears his throat and my attention finally returns to this class. Even though it’s almost over. He’s got a stack of papers in his hands and he doesn’t look happy. Right, turned in a short paper last week. Clearly, he doesn’t like how the class did.
He hands them back and most people groan. I’m one of them. Actually, I silently curse under my breath. C-. I never got anything less than a B+ in high school. And, yeah, I know it’s not the same, but it should count for something. It’s not like I didn’t try. This professor is just impossible to please. Which is evidenced by the fact that no one is smiling right now. No one got a good grade.
Thankfully, he dismisses us after the papers are returned. After class, plenty of people are bitching about their grades. Glad I’m not alone in that. I’m not interested in standing around and complaining about what I can’t change, though. I pull my phone out of my bag. Nothing from Rae. Nothing from anyone.
Something inside me tears. Usually, we all text each other on and off throughout the day. Part of me wonders if they’re ignoring me because I’ve been such an ass lately. I know it’s not fair, but I need them despite that. I hate feeling alone. I always have. I don’t mind being by myself, but I don’t like feeling like I don’t have anyone to lean on. It’s one of the worst things about being an only child. When something is hard, you don’t have anyone to go through it with.
Emotion swells in me, and I realize I’m standing in a hallway trying to push down tears.
Jesus, I’m pathetic.
I take a deep inhale and bury it all away. Having a breakdown in the hallway won’t fix anything. And though many things are broken that I can’t fix, I can fix things with Rae.
I head to the smoothie shop below one of the dining halls, then over to the library where she’s working on the group project. The smoothie is part apology, and part that she doesn’t always take care of herself when she gets focused on something.
When I see her at a table in the basement of the library, I take a moment to watch her. She’s leaning back in her chair, scrolling through her phone as the rest of her group argues.
