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Fuck. I just want to be alone.
I debate making a run for it, but that bastard can outrun me on my best day. I don’t want to get into this in the hallway. Knowing he’ll follow me, I head straight to my room.
“Rae Rae!”
The pad of his footsteps gaining on me fills my ears, but I don’t stop. I unlock the door and go straight to my bedroom, thankful Sarah is in class.
“Rae.”
Joel walks in behind me, and I don’t bother trying to hide my tears anymore.
He sits down next to me on my bed, dropping one arm around my back. “What happened?”
“I kissed Kevin.”
His hand runs up and down my back. “He a bad kisser?”
I look over at him, then elbow him in the side. “Shut up.”
“What happened?”
“I was flirting with him. You know how I like to flirt.”
He laughs. “Uh, yeah. I’m well aware. Other than with me, you’re a giant flirt.”
I shrug. “I wanted it to be fun, but it felt wrong. So fucking wrong, Joel.” I let out a sigh. “I know Aaron and I are broken up, but I don’t want to be. It felt like cheating on him. And it wasn’t guilt, exactly. It was more that I didn’twantto be kissing anyone else. I think…”
“Yeah?”
I turn slightly so I can meet his gaze. “He asked me not to give up on us. I’ve been thinking a lot, especially over break, and I don’t want to give up.”
“What does that mean?”
I blow out a breath. “I think it means I want to be there for him and I want us to… I don’t know. Maybe still be committed to our relationship and support each other without the focus on romantic stuff right now. It sounds crazy and stupid, but I know he still needs me. I still want us to find our way. We can’t do that if all we do is avoid each other. Maybe I was wrong to think that we couldn’t take a step back and try to figure out a better way to do this.”
Joel furrows his brow. “I just don’t want you to give too much—”
“Joel, no matter what, I’m always going to be there for him. He’s broken right now. But there has to be a better way. For me. For him. For us.”
“Sounds like you should talk to him.”
I nod and grab my phone, firing off a text to Aaron.
Me: Hey, I want to talk to you about something. Soon, if you can.
I let out a breath. I have no idea what I’m doing, but something has got to be better than nothing.
Aaron
I can’t believe she kissed him. It’s all I’ve been able to think about since I saw them in the library and quickly stormed away. I turned off my phone, not wanting to talk toanyone. Then I went to the gym. Wailed on a punching bag. Pushed myself too hard on the treadmill. Now I feel like shit. Both physically and emotionally. She was kissing him? It’s been just over a month and she’s kissing someone else? How could she move on so quickly?
Probably because I pushed her away. And when she felt that, she started pulling back, too. And I get it. But it made me feel like I was right to push her away. Now we are where we are. She’s barely speaking to me. And kissing other guys.
I shouldn’t be surprised. She spent the better part of the last six weeks avoiding me as much as possible. But… then she finally joined us for the first group thing since we broke up—pizza night the Friday before break. We all ate breakfast together the next morning. But then she was gone, and we didn’t talk for the whole break. And now I don’t know what the hell we’re doing. She’s been around more this week. She’s even talked to me directly a few times. I barely responded because I didn’t know how to respond. I don’t know how to do this with her. I want her in my life, but I had to deal with her not being in it. Now I’m not sure what we are or are trying to be. It’s a mess.
Guess I don’t know what else I was expecting.
Wasn’t expecting her to kiss Kevin, though.
