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Aaron
I wake up to a pounding headache and an awful taste in my mouth. And someone’s hand on my head. I turn slightly and blink my eyes open to see Rae, asleep against the bathroom wall.
I squeeze my eyes shut as it all comes back to me. How shitty I was feeling. How I tried to drown that shittiness with shots. How Rae rescued me and brought me back here. Why was she at the party? I thought she wasn’t going. Did Miles call her? I sit up and shake my head.
Making my way out to the kitchen, I grab a Gatorade for me and water for Rae. I open the Gatorade and chug some. It lessens the pounding in my head slightly.
God, what the fuck am I doing? Getting drunk like this? I catch the clock and see it’s barely after midnight. I got wasted that early? I got wasted at all? I can’t keep doing this. I might not know what the fuck I’m doing, but I can’t keep doing this. I’ve made so many excuses, to myself and everyone else. They’re all bullshit. That’s it. I’m deciding right now. This is the bottom I’m hitting. It’s time to climb back up, because I’m not doing this again. I don’t know what I am going to do, but I can’t keep being this guy. I can’t.
I drag myself back to the bathroom and squat down next to Rae. Staring at her, I hesitate for a moment, but then gently run my hand up and down her arm. “Rae, wake up.”
She inhales sharply and flicks her eyes open, looking around. She gets her bearings right about the time her eyes land on my face. And her expression falls.Damn, that hurts.
I stand up and step back, holding out the water. “Here, I got you this.” As she takes it, I grab her arm and lift her up. We stand there awkwardly. I rub the back of my neck and look down. “Thanks for, uh, getting me back here.”
She nods and moves past me out of the bathroom. That’s when I notice she has a lemon-scented Glade plug-in in her hand. I almost laugh. She has never been able to tolerate vomit. That’s gonna be fun when we have kids.
What the fuck? Did I really just think that?
That seems like an alternate reality right now.
My eyes drift back to her. “Thanks for putting up with the puke,” I say, pointing at the plug-in.
She almost laughs, but then her face hardens. “You’d do it for me.”
“Of course, I would.”
“Why do you keep doing this, Aaron? Why?”
I blow out a breath. She probably only brought me back here because she felt like shehadto.
“I…”
“You’re so much freaking more than this. I hate seeing you do this!”
Guilt and anger pool together in my stomach. “Well, you didn’t have to bring me back if it bothers you that much. I’m sorry I fucked up your night! You can go now.”
Her body jolts back and her eyes go wide like I hit her. My brow furrows as I watch tears creep into her eyes. She takes a deep breath and looks up like she’s having some internal conversation with herself. When she looks back at me, her eyes, though shiny, are filled with determination.
She moves for me, grabbing my arms and shaking me. “Aaron freaking Cooper! Tell me you’re in there! Tell me you’re in there somewhere.” Her voice goes eerily quiet as she continues. “I am not mad at you because I’m here. You didn’t ruin my night. I chose this. And I’m glad I did. I don’t know why you think you’re such a burden, but you aren’t. I’m here because I care. I’m here because I love you. I always have. I’m your person. And I’m pissed at you because you deserve to be better for you. Not for me. Not for Joel or Miles or Sarah or Mackenzie. Not for Jamie. Not for your parents.For you, Aaron.You deserve to be the best version of yourself. You’ve lost things. This last year has been hard. But you’re never going to find your path if you don’t try. When the hell are you going to stand up and start fighting again? When are you going to let us in? When are you going to let me in?“ Her hand runs down my chest as tears roll down her cheeks. “Let me in.”
I’ve been so afraid of those words. Afraid to let my pain out. Afraid it would hurt her more. Afraid she wouldn’t accept it. Everyone has asked. I assumed they wanted to fix me. They wanted me to get over my shit so we could all be happy and find our status quo again.
I don’t know if that was right or wrong. But I can see in her eyes, she doesn’t want to see me hurting. And I know I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t know why it’s so hard to let her or anyone else in, but in order to deal with all of this, I think I have to. I need support. And I need to let it all out.
My eyes find hers as my voice thickens with tears. “If we do this, I’m gonna be an absolute wreck.”
Her hand cups my cheek and she gives me a soft smile. “Then I’ll be here to clean up the mess. Which is a lot better than you trying to live in it alone. And don’t worry, I’m going to cry too, mostly because that’s who I am as a person.”
The look she gives me is both adorable and serious.
I nod. She deserves this.
No.Ideserve this.
She takes my hand. “Let’s get comfortable, then.” She leads me into my bedroom and pulls me onto the bed with her. She grabs every pillow she can find and makes us a nest. Then her eyes find mine. “You can do this,” she says. “Start anywhere.”
I stare at her. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to let out months and months worth of pain, guilt, anger, and regret.
