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A sob creeps up in my chest. “Then why have I felt that way?”
“Because you were always the one who had it all together. To you, it feels wrong when you don’t.”
Tears stream down my cheeks. “I don’t like myself lately. I already felt awful, but then… I’ve made one shitty decision after the other. I don’t like who I’ve been, but it’s felt impossible to pull myself out of this.”
Her arms wrap around me as I let everything I’ve been keeping inside come out in sobs. I wasn’t raised to hide my emotions, but crying pathetically in my girlfriend’s arms? Hell, she isn’t even my girlfriend.
Rae doesn’t say anything. She just holds me tightly. Her lips press against my head and the safety I always feel with her washes over me.
When the sobs subside, I sit up and she takes my face in her hands. “I want to remind you who you are. You are the boy who stood up for every single person on the playground who was ever picked on. You’re the boy who held my hand when people said nasty things about me in middle school, even though it meant they’d think those same things about you. You’re the person who spent nine straight weeks helping Trevor with his hitting after his shoulder surgery. You’re the person who brings chicken soup from Marion’s to our friends whenever they’re sick. You write out notes to people on their birthday because it means more than a store-bought card. You’re the guy who pulls over to help someone with a flat tire and stays until you know they’re safe. You’re the man who—“ she stops and collects herself as tears spill from her eyes. “You’re the man who saved me from the worst moment of my life, who never let me go, who got me through it. You love to help people and would literally give someone the shirt off your back. So you haven’t been your best self and you’ve made some crappy choices. You’re still an incredible person. You need to believe that again.”
Her voice is strong and filled with conviction. Though it’s been hard to remember those pieces of me, hearing her say it all helps.
I let out a long, slow breath. I swear the knots in my shoulders are coming undone, and I can breathe easier.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“For what?”
I stare at her in disbelief. “For believing in me. For still seeing the best parts of me, even when I’ve been… messy.” Shaking my head, I say, “But it’s time to be done with that. Done living in this pity party. Done drinking my way through my problems. I’m done with that.”
She looks at me hesitantly.
“I know, okay? But I’m not doing aHow I Met Your Mothersweeping declaration thing. I’m not saying I’ll never drink again, but I’m done trying to use alcohol to drown my sorrows. I don’t want to be this useless piece of shit anymore,“ I say, half angry, half trying to be funny.
“Aaron…” Her eyes are wide. She’s looking at me like I slapped her. I look away, unable to bear the look in her eyes. But she’s not having any of it. She lifts my chin and forces me to look at her. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”
“It’s how I feel.” I roll my eyes. “And the guys sure let me know that’s how I’m acting.”
“Fuck them.” My eyes widen when she says that. “They hold you to a ridiculous standard because you’ve always been steadfast. You’ve never been the one to make the shitty decisions. Usually, it’s Sarah. Sometimes Joel. Occasionally me or Mackie. Miles is too type-A for his own good. And you were always the solid, reliable one. But that doesn’t mean you always have to be.” She shakes her head. “Still, that doesn’t mean you should talk about yourself like that. The boys are out of line, but they’re reflecting what you’re giving off. You can’t think and talk about yourself that way. If you don’t respect yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? It’s one thing to feel lost. It’s one thing to be struggling. It’s something else entirely to give in to being a jackass and make shitty choices. You get to choose who you want to be. That doesn’t have to be scary. Let it be exciting. Let it be an adventure.”
I blink at her a couple of times. “I don’t want to be the guy I’ve been for the last few months.”
“So, what’s one thing you can do? One small thing you can do? Something you want to change?”
A word slips out of my mouth without me even thinking. “Baseball.”
She smiles wide. “Good. Start there. One thing.”
I let out a long exhale and sink back against the bed. Despite the vague pounding, my head feels clearer. Is this what I’ve been needing to do this whole time? Why didn’t I do this sooner? Did I need to bounce off the bottom first?
Rae leans over and kisses my cheek. “You’ve got this, Ace. I know you do. Believe in yourself.” She grimaces. “Okay, now I sound like one of those inspirational mugs you buy at a discount store.”
I laugh out loud at that. “I’ve missed you.”
“Yeah. I’ve missed you too.” She yawns a big yawn and I flip my covers back.
“Come on, lie down. Get some sleep.” She hesitates for a moment, so I shake my head. “Sorry. You don’t have to.”
“No. I…” She smiles softly and lowers her voice. “I want to, but I have to be up really early.”
“Set your alarm and then let’s get some sleep.”
She pulls out her phone and meticulously sets three alarms. I laugh internally. She’s so cute when she does stuff like that. Oh, who am I kidding? She’s cute all the damn time.
She looks down at her jeans. “Can I borrow a pair of sweats?”
“Of course.” I hop off the bed and grab two pairs out of the drawer, tossing one at her face.
