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She smiles bitterly as tears brim in her eyes, squeezing the life out of my fingers. “Our father forced me to watch as his brigadiers sliced Josh apart. Piece by piece.” Her lip trembles. “It tookhours, Pasha.”
Anger invades my muscles, causing them to tense. Of all the horrible things our father could have done, he chose to scar his daughter for life. And for what? To teach her a lesson?
What could she have possibly learned back then?
I shake my head. “Karinka, I didn’t—”
“When I go to sleep at night, Pasha,” she interrupts, her nails digging into my palm. “I see him in my dreams. I seeJosh.” Her voice cracks on his name, splitting my heart right down the middle.
This is the same man who taught me everything I know. How to survive, how to thrive as Pakhan, how to make sure I got what I neededandwanted.
The very same man invested in me the same things he had learned.
I don’t even want to think about what that means right now.
“I’m so afraid of the moment when I open my eyes and…” She levels her gaze with mine, one tear silently trickling down her cheek. “And he’s not there anymore.”
My heart splits again.
Does Liya ever feel this way? Does she think about me fucking her and ache at the thought of never feeling me again?
Does she worry about losingme?
While staring at my sister, seeing the pain in her expression, I realize I’m clutching her hand as tightly as she’s holding on to me. Because I feel her fear.
And it’s the same as mine.
To lose Liya, to never get to see her gorgeous smile or the way she sticks out the tip of her tongue while she’s concentrating wounds me so hard that it feels like it’s actually happening. When I’m near her, I get the same anxiety.
To lose her would mean losing the world.
Nothing would be the same without her presence. Food wouldn’t taste as good. Fucking would be useless, a mere act of maintenance. Taking care of myself wouldn’t even occur to me. Stepan could advise me as he typically does with Bratva affairs, but it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t be coming from someone who knows me the way Liya knows me.
And she’s starting to know me all too well.
“Do you understand now, Pasha?” Karina whispers as she releases my hand. “Did I prove to you that I know plenty of things about love?”
I nod. “You did, Karinka. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“How could you know?” She smiles rigidly. “Why would Father ever mention his greatest shame to you?”
She sighs and wipes her eyes, shrugging as if crying like this in public is a habit for her. It’s not. We both know that. She’s the life of the party, the one with the sunny disposition and the most carefree attitude in the world.
Nobody would guess the horror she had to witness.
I think of Liya and the horrors she’s had to witness.
When the time comes for me to discard her, can I summon the strength to do it?
Or will I be like my sister—haunted by the dreams of a love forever lost?
Chapter Thirty-One
Liya
I hug my stomach while catching myself on the counter. Well, that didn’t feel very good.
Just a few days ago, I felt more alive than ever with Pavel and me switching positions on the couch. Things were improving between us. We were growing closer, talking more, cuddling more in the evenings.
