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“Sure.”
“How is she?” She pauses, offering a gentle smile. “Have you gotten what you wanted, Pasha?”
I chew my lower lip, clearing my throat as I reach for my water. It’s not even that hot, and I’m not even that thirsty, but talking about Liya dries me out. “I’m getting more than I wanted.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah, I think…” Our conversation from ages ago surfaces. I blink away my worry and continue, “I think I might be falling in love with her.”
Karina sets her fork on the edge of her plate and perches her chin on her hands. “You say that like it’s awful.”
“I don’t think I’m capable of love, Karinka.”
“We both know that’s a bold lie.”
I shake my head. “After our father beat that ability out of me?” I shrug. “It just scares me.”
“If he beat it out of you, then how can you feel it?”
“Don’t mess with me, Karinka.”
She smiles playfully. “Tell me: why are you scared?”
“Because…” I drag my fingers through my hair. “For most of my life, I’ve lived with the threat of death hanging over my head.Ourheads.” I look at my hands. “My hands are trained to maim and kill, not hold someone.”
“From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you’ve held her plenty of times.”
I roll my eyes. “Would you stop doing that?”
She fakes an innocent look. “Doingwhat?”
“Poking holes in all my logic.”
“How will you think about what you’re saying if I don’t do that?”
I grunt while plucking my napkin from my collar. I loosen my tie, clear my throat, crack my neck. I can’t stay still.
Not with all these ridiculous feelings coming up. “She’s seen me do all the things a Pakhan is supposed to do: demand stars, execute defectors, humiliate those who think they can take advantage of my wife and me, threaten them.” I shake my head. “But the way she looked at me after I killed Vorobyov…Something inside me broke, Karinka.”
She frowns thoughtfully and then nods as if she’s just seen something obvious. I must be a fool to have missed it. She leans forward and says, “That something is fear. Not of the enemy, Pasha. Of loss.”
I laugh. “What do I have to lose with Liya? She just…” But as I formulate the words, they don’t seem to want to come out. “She just doesn’t understand our lifestyle.”
“No, it’s more than that, Pasha. You love her, even if you can’t convince yourself to say it out loud. And to love her means to come to terms with the possibility of losing her.” She pauses, a faraway look in her eyes. “And you have to fight like hell to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
“What wouldyouknow about love?”
Her expression snaps, and the faraway look is gone. Even with the sun splashing the patio of our favorite lunch spot, tension sprouts between us, my once-radiant sister hardening like a statue.
She blinks. “Do you remember a boy named Josh Torres?”
I shrug. “Vaguely.”
Darkness slowly infects her features. She lowers her gaze to the table. “I gave him my v-card.” She snorts, half amusement and half dry realization. “Shouldn’t have done it. Father caught us, and he…”
My expression softens as I watch Karina shrink in her seat.Literally. Like she’s about to disappear unless I catch her hand, keeping her focus on me.
I press my thumb into her palm to ground her in reality as I ask, “What did he do, Karinka?”
