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I don’t want that anymore. Not now that I have Elise.
It’s more than how much I want to fuck her. All of her is so goddamn precious. Her happiness. Her well-being. I want to learn all of her favorite foods and feed them to her myself. I want to stroke her while she drifts to sleep. It’s more than physical attraction, which can be as simple as a game.
It’s love,my mother murmurs.You’re in love with her.
God, I know. And I have to protect her. Nate, too. They’re my family.
“Time for bed, sweetness.”
She lifts her face toward mine in the dark. “Are you okay?”
My chest aches. I honestly didn’t realize that anyone would be able to hear the truth about me without flinching or turning away. I was terrified she’d be disgusted. Or that she’d pity me. I didn’t want her to see me differently.
“Yes.” I’m shocked to find that it’s true. “You’re here. And you’re a miracle.”
“What?” she breathes.
“All I ever imagined for my life was revenge, and then nothing.Nothingwas the best I could hope for.” My throat closes. I’m not used to saying these kinds of things. Not toanyone. “You make me think I could have a life. Despite the things I’ve done. The things Nate has done, too. You’re a fucking miracle.”
She shakes her head, nuzzling against my chest. “It wasn’t your fault. Anyone would have done what you did to save your brother. You didn’t do anything wrong. And Nate didn’t do anything wrong.”
I kiss her forehead. It’s the sweetest kind of bullshit. I’ve done countless wrong things in my life. I’m not finished doing them. All I know is that I won’t turn down this gift. I’ll break myself if that’s what it takes to keep her.
For now, I lead her down the hall to my bedroom.
I’ve had sex with countless people in countless places. Men. Women. Closets at galas. Kitchens at restaurants. Alcoves in hotels. I know every configuration for bodies to fuck in a wide variety of spaces. Bathroom stalls. Vehicles, moving or stationary. Airplanes, from first class to private jets.
Elise is the only woman I’ve had sex with in my own home.
Having her here makes it a refuge. It feels right.
I take her into the shower, with its rainfall showerhead and spouts that spray from every angle, and turn the water on hot.
She reaches for the soap, but I take it out of her hands. She’s done enough for me today. I don’t want her to have to do anything. I’m the one who lathers the soap and runs it over her shoulders, over her breasts. Her nipples peak under my hands. I tease them with the pad of my thumb, and Elise pushes her chest toward me. She wants me, exhausted or not.
She wants to please me.
I’m going to let her.
I move the soap down. I find my way over the soft curve of her belly and around her hips and lower, between her legs, to her soft, sweet, secret flesh. Elise reaches for me, and it feels sofucking good to let her. She explores the ridges of my abs with her fingertips.
I push her back against the tile. Do I want games from her now? Submission? Information?
No, and no, and no.
I don’t want anything but her pleasure, and mine.
I abandon the soap and run my fingers between her legs. She’s soft and slick and my cock jumps at the first touch. I don’t tease her. I put the pad of my thumb directly on her clit. Her hips tilt toward me. “Gabriel…”
“Let me make you feel good. I want to make you feel good.”
“Not like this.” She looks into my eyes, cheeks pink, crystal droplets of water on her eyelashes. “Not unless you come too. That’s how it has to be. Every single time. I won’t do this without you. I don’t want to be alone.”
Another lock breaks. I’ve spent so long finding keys for other people that I never bothered to find my own.
Is that how it feels to the people I fuck? Like being alone?
Is that how it’s always felt to all the people I’ve had sex with in those closets and airplanes? Did they sense it somehow? Even when I was inside them, even when I was making them come harder than they’d ever come before, were they lonely?
