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“Or maybe I mean to say if he’d died, I wish he’d done it fast, not long and slow with plenty of time to fill your head with bullshit.”
That—
Every muscle in his body went taut as hurt and disbelief rolled through him.
Now he didn’t bother censoring the curse words she wasn’t a fan of. “What the fuck?”
“It’s bullshit, and it’s going to mess up your life.” A muscle in her cheek ticked when he stared at her, mouth falling open. “No, it alreadyhasmessed you up.”
“What—I—”
“He knew he wasn’t going to be here. He knew that he was leaving you, me,us, and he told you things, made you promise stuff he shouldn’t have.” Her shoulders lifted then dropped on a breath. “You were a baby. He shouldn’t have put that on you.”
“I’m the oldest. I—Cora was just a baby. I was old enough—”
“No, sweetie.” She gripped his arms. “Youwere ababy. You shouldn’t have been worrying about taking care of me, about your siblings. You’d lost your dad, too. You should have been allowed to feel that, to grieve.” Another sigh. “I should have allowed that.”
“I didn’t need that,” he protested. “I was fine. Iamfine.”
Her eyes were sad, almost unbearably so. “And that’s where I failed.” A shake of her head. “That’s where your dad failed. Where webothfailed. I relied on you too much, and that wasn’t fair—”
“Of course, it was fair, Mom. There was six of us and one of you. We wouldn’t have gotten through it without working together.” He took her hand. “I didn’t mind then, and I don’t mind now. I like taking care of you guys. I like being here for you now.”
“Do you?”
He opened his mouth to repeat his previous statements, but something in her expression had him pausing, considering.
Did he like being the one to help? To step in and take over? To make sure everything was functioning as it should? To be certain that everyone was taken care of and had everything they needed?
Yeah.
He did.
Of course, he did.
Of course, he liked it.
That was who he was. That was how he showed his love. It had always been that way, would alwaysbethat way.
“Yeah, Mom. I do.”
Silence.
Long, tense silence.
Long, tense silence filled with the growing sensation that he’d just disappointed his mother and had done it in a big way.
“Right, baby.” She let her hands slide away, turned toward the kitchen again. “You go to the hardware store. I’ll be here.”
He felt like there were words she was thinking that she didn’t speak out loud.
But he wasn’t a fucking mind reader.
He wouldn’t ever be.
Not even if the look she’d just shot him was too similar to the one that Teresa had given him in a different hallway, on a different night.
Not even if that look settled like a thorn in his belly, poking him, telling him nonverbally that something wasn’t quite right.
