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Chapter 26
If she tries to prevent him doing this he should say to her, “What harm is there in doing it?” and should persuade her to let him do it.
The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana
“It’s no use, Alice. You won’t convince me.” Nick didn’t want her to think him a coward, but visiting the Yellow House was out of the question.
“I seem to recall saying those exact same words to you. And here I am. Married to your obstinate self.”
They were in his bedchamber. Alice had held out her hand and he’d followed.
They sat upon the bed but their bodies weren’t touching.
Nick heaved a sigh. “I won’t do it, Alice.”
The panic clawed at his chest. Darkness rolling in at the edges of his eyes. “I won’t enter that place. I can’t. Don’t ask me why.”
“Why?”
He should have learned these things by now: Alice never followed instructions. And he would never stop wanting to please her. But he couldn’t. Not this time. “Let me do things my own way.”
“With your fists?”
“If necessary. They’ve served me well in disputes before.”
“Giving Coleman a thrashing won’t convince him to change his ways. You need to utilize a more civilized method of persuasion.”
“This is how men solve problems, Alice. And I plan to make sure that he knows if he doesn’t improve conditions at the asylum there will be worse in store for him.”
“But could you give my method a try first? If it doesn’t work then you have my blessing to beat that horrible man until he’s bloodied beyond recognition.”
“So bloodthirsty, Dimples.” Nick caught her hand and stroked his finger across her palm. “I’d like to give your method a try but it’s not me. It’s not the way I do things.”
He wanted to tell her the truth: he was frightened that if he entered the private asylum, if the maw of madness swallowed him, he might never re-emerge.
The fear that ate his soul away.
The fear that made him live for pleasure, live each moment as if it were his last, as if he had no future.
But he couldn’t admit any of that to her. She thought he was strong. He didn’t want to disillusion her.
“Why won’t you go?” she persisted.
“I don’t play by society’s rules. I thrive in darkness. I’m not the kind to blare my trumpet for bloated, corrupt politicians. They wouldn’t listen to me, anyway. If you hadn’t noticed, you married a notorious rogue.”
“Oh, I noticed, Nick,” Alice said, raking her gaze across his powerful frame. “But that’s precisely why they’ll listen to you. You come from a notorious line of madmen. But Dr. Forster believes your kind, permissive treatment of the duke could effect a cure for his lunacy. Your report can detail the contrast between your methods and the madhouse’s corruption.”
“My father’s case is very mild.”
“Yet you’ve been with him the whole time. You’ve borne witness to the ebbs and flows of his illness. You were on the ship with the duke when the mania claimed him.”
“How do you know that?”
“Your father told me. You must have been young then. Weren’t you in school?”
“I was at Cambridge with Dalton and Harland. I didn’t know my father was going mad when he arrived in the dead of night and forced me to pack a bag. He would brook no protests. Didn’t even have a chance to say good-bye to my friends.”
One moment he’d been hard at work on his studies and the next day he was traveling across the ocean with his father on an insane hunt for a nonexistent orchid.
