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“Not right now,” she says softly. “I’m just sad. For us, for them, for–”
For any baby that there might be in the future.She doesn’t have to say it out loud for me to know what she’s thinking.
“Do you think you’ll hate me again?”
“I don’t know.” She still won’t look at me, and I can feel the need to look into her eyes churning in my gut, the need toseeher, to see what she’s thinking.
“Do you truly think I’ve hated you?”
Caterina shrugs, and I see a slight tremor in her chin as if she’s holding back tears. “I don’t know,” she says softly. “I think you hated me when I ran. I think you’ve always disliked me, from the minute you realized that I’m not the woman that you expected to marry.”
“I don’t dislike you.” I look at her, startled. “How could I? You’ve been difficult to be married to at times, of course. And no, you’re not what I expected. But dislike you?” I shake my head. “I’ve been impressed by your backbone, Caterina. And after your kidnapping–” I take a breath, feeling almost desperate. “Caterina, look at me, please.”
For a moment, I think that she’s not going to. Her shoulders have stiffened, her gaze fixed squarely on the bed, almost as if she can’t bear to look at me. And then slowly, she turns, her dark gaze meeting mine.
“What, Viktor?” she asks softly. “Tell me what you thought of me, after.”
I can’t stop myself. I reach up to touch her face, my fingers stroking along her cheekbone, down to her jaw. I feel the slight tremor that passes through her at my touch, even as she keeps herself ramrod straight, tension in every line of her body.
“I thought you were brave,” I murmur. “As brave as any soldier or brigadier I’ve ever employed, if not more. I’ve known men who couldn’t endure what you did. I think–” I pause, not wanting to finish, to pull my hand away, to stop touching her. “You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known, Caterina. And even if you’ll never truly love me or want to be my wife, I couldn’t have chosen a better woman to be a mother to my daughters.”
Caterina’s mouth parts slightly, and I can see her indrawn breath, the shimmer in her eyes. I can feel the pull between us, the tension in the air thickening, and I know that she wants me to kiss her as badly as I want to do it. I can already feel what her mouth would feel like underneath mine, the softness, the way she’d tense just before she yielded to me, the struggle within her.
“Things could be different,” she whispers, and the tremor passes through her again, her face still cupped in my hand. “They could be so different, Viktor, if only–”
If only you weren’t the man that you are.I can hear the words, unspoken, hovering between us. “I’ve tried to be a good man to you,” I murmur. “To you, to my daughters–I cared for you when you were sick, did all I could to nurse you back to health, tried to show you how I feel for you–”
“I know,” Caterina whispers. “I know, Viktor. But–”
“But it’s not enough.” I drop my hand from her cheek, feeling the burning resentment in my chest. “I’ve never asked you to be anything other than what you are, a stubborn, difficult woman–”
Caterina raises her chin. “I tried to be something other than what I was made to be, Viktor. But first, I was talked into a marriage with you, with the blood of everyone who would have been hurt in a war between your faction and Luca’s offered up as the burden that would have been on my shoulders. And then I was dragged back here by you when I tried to run. Ican’tbe anything other than what I was made into. If I’m stubborn and difficult, Viktor, it’s because I’m trying to keep some part of myself when every man I’ve ever known has chipped away pieces of me until sometimes I don’t know what’s left!”
She’s speaking in hushed, angry tones, her chest heaving, and I still want to kiss her as much as ever. Her pale face is flushed at the cheekbones, the way it always is when she’s angry. In a split second, I realize that I love that I know that about her, the same way that I know the way she’ll give in when I kiss her and the way her body tightens just before she comes, the way I want to know everything else about her–the way she looks when she’s truly happy, the sound of her laugh, the sound that her voice would make if it whispered the wordsI love you.I want everything from her, more than I wanted even from Vera, because when I loved Vera, I was young and stupid, and now I’m older and wiser. I know what I want, what Ineed, and Caterina is all of those things.
She’s everything.
And yet, she thinks that I’m not worthy of her love.
“I’ve tried to give you everything I can–”
“You know what I need.” She shakes her head, taking a step back. “I need you to be the man that I know you can be, Viktor. For me, for your daughters, for every woman that you haven’t picked up and snatched out of her life yet into one that she didn’t choose. And if you can’t do that–” Caterina presses her lips together. “I won’t leave, Viktor, because of the children. Because Yelena and Anika need me. But as for the rest–” she turns around, walking away from me towards the door.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to call after her, and I nearly physically reach for her, wanting to stop her, to keep her here. But she’s already at the door, and when she opens it, I see Levin standing there, his fist poised as if to knock.
“Mrs. Andreyva.” He inclines his head, stepping back as Caterina sweeps past him.
I step out, too, closing the door behind me. “What is it, Levin?”
“I have news.” He presses his lips together, looking displeased. “We can’t find any hint of Alexei. He wasn’t among the men who attacked the house, and none of them were ours, which means he contracted them out.”
“And?” I demand, feeling my shoulders tense.
“He’s gone dark.” Levin looks frustrated. “There’s absolutely no hint of him anywhere. He’s disappeared, like a ghost, and I suspect that we won’t see him coming until there’s an attack. Which means–”
“We need to beef up security.” I rub a hand across my mouth, thinking. “Contract some more men. And keep digging. He can’t have disappeared entirely.”
“There’s more.” Levin lets out a breath. “I can’t get in touch with Mikhail. From what I know, no one else can either.”
