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“Are you saying it’s my fault?” Viktor turns to look at me. “Because if you are, Caterina, you’re not saying anything that I haven’t said to myself. I’ve gone over the possibilities of what I could have done differently, where it could be my fault, a hundred times over. I’ve thought of what I could have changed, regretted the words I said to her and things I did, wondered if I just hadn’t gone on that business trip if she might not have died. But I couldn’t stay home forever. I have a business to run. And she did things wrong, too–” he runs his hand through his hair again. “I can’t change it, Caterina. I simply can’t. All I can do is try to not let it happen again, which is why I’ve tried to make things as good as I can between us–”
“That’s my point,” I say quietly. “There is something you can change. Something that might have made things different with Vera, and that could mean a different life for your daughters. It could make our marriage better–”
“What?” Viktor turns to face me, and I can hear the genuine question in his voice. There’s no anger or sarcasm in it. “What could I do, Caterina, to make you want to be married to me? To make you–” he stops there, but I know exactly what the words are that he’s not speaking.
To make you love me.
That brings me up short.Can I love him, even if things change?I wonder, looking at my husband across the arm’s length between us, trying to imagine a different life, one where I don’t feel guilty for wanting him, desiring him. If I didn’t have that guilt, would I want other things, too? Would I find a possibility for love in his arms, something that I’ve long since given up on? Could we have a marriage in every possible sense, not just one of convenience, meant for the children?
“You could find some other business to run,” I say quietly, forcing the words out past the lump in my throat, my racing pulse. “You could stop trafficking in women and do something else. Something like–”
“Something like Luca does? Or your father?” Viktor lets out a sharp, frustrated breath. “We’ve talked about this before, Caterina, I–”
“I know your reasons!” I say quickly. “I know your justifications. But it doesn’t matter. Someone like Sasha–she’s grateful for what she has now, but it still wasn’t herchoice. Viktor–people are stronger than you think.Womenare. We can live through so much if we choose it. If we live our lives based on our own will, no matter how bad or good it is.” I shake my head, swallowing hard. “Nothing that’s ever happened to me has been because of my own choice, and that has made it all so much harder–”
“You did choose, though.” Viktor frowns. “You could have refused to marry Franco or me.”
“But the consequences–”
“It was still your choice!” His expression is clearly frustrated. “You just chose the route that would prevent you from losing the things you wanted or from feeling guilty because of blood that would be shed.”
“People dying because I refused to marry you isn’t a choice!”
“It is,” he insists. “It just wasn’t the choice you could live with. That’s why you stayed, why you came back. And when you tried to run, it was simply because you could no longer live with the choice you made.”
I let out a long breath, feeling deflated, defeated. He isn’t wrong. And I don’t know how to make him see that the consequences ofhischoices are so much worse than he realizes.
“Viktor–your daughters–do you want them to grow up and find out what you do? Do you think they’ll agree with your justifications? Or will they, like me, just see other daughters that you thought were less important, other families that you were fine with tearing apart? Will a small part of them hate you, just like a part of me hates my father?”
He looks at me for a long moment, and I can see the pain in the back of his eyes. It tells me, in that instant, that he’s thought of this too. That I’m not saying anything new to him–which makes me wonder, how has he decided that it’s not worth changing for?
“I want my daughters to be proud of me,” Viktor says quietly. “I want them, always, to love me. I’ve tried my best to be a good father. And if there was potential for our marriage to be more, Caterina, I would want that too. But Cat–”
“Don’t call me that,” I say softly. “Not while things are like this.”
He clears his throat. “Caterina. This is all I know. This is the business that my grandfather and father built from scratch. This is how we came to hold the power we have, how I’ve become the man I am, how I’m able to give my daughters and you everything you have. And you want me to turn my back on that, and what? Start from scratch? Rely on other men, on Luca and perhaps Liam, to ensure that I’m successful in the future? Is that the man you want me to be?”
“I want you to be the man that I know youare,” I say softly. “I know that deep down, there’s goodness in you, Viktor. I know that you’re conflicted. And I–” I swallow hard, feeling my heart ache at the words I’m about to say. “I don’t know if I can ever give you a child now, after what the doctor said. I might never be able to do that. But if I do–and if we had a son–I think you would feel conflicted about passing this legacy on to him. But you don’t have to–”
There’s a knock at the bedroom door, interrupting me, and I see a flash of relief on Viktor’s face that the conversation has been stopped.
He turns, stepping out of the bathroom, and leaves me there, staring after him. I know there was a moment when he wanted things to be different. But also, I don’t truly think they’ll ever change. And that leaves my heart even heavier than before.
