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26
The doorman seemedto be expecting her when she arrived in the lobby of Jack’s apartment. He immediately came around the desk and let her into theelevator.
She glanced up as the elevator rose, looking at her distorted reflection in the shiny brass ceiling. Her heart beat faster as the elevator slowed and came to a stop. A moment later the doorsopened.
He was there, standing in the entry, waiting forher.
She stepped off the elevator and he pulled her into his arms. “Thankgod.”
She stayed there for a long time, soaking in the feel of his arms around her, the unique safety offered only byhim.
He pulled away and looked down at her, worry evident on his face. “Are you allright?”
She nodded. “I willbe.”
“Come in,” he said. “Sit down. We cantalk.”
She shook her head and looked down at her feet. “I’m not… I’m not coming in,Jack.”
He didn’t say anything, and she reached into her bag and withdrew a few items of clothing and a pair of shoes, all things Jack had bought for her at one time or another. Thankfully she’d left most of his purchases at his apartment, sparing her having to haul a suitcase through the lobby and into theelevator.
She held them out. “I’d like to return these toyou.”
“What are you talking about?” He shook his head. “Come in so we cantalk.”
“Please, just take them,Jack.”
He took them from her hand and tossed them aside. “Don’t do this,Nina.”
She forced herself to say the words she’d rehearsed on the way over. “This isn’t about you. I’m not mad about what happened in the bar. I knew you, I knew who you were, knew what I was gettinginto.”
Don’t try to change me,Nina.
“Then why?” heasked.
“I’m scared of myself, Jack. Sacred of what I’ve become, of what I’ll continue becoming if Istay.”
He reached for her but she took a stepback.
“There’s nothing to be scared of,” he said. “There are no rules, only the ones people tried to tell you existed, the ones they want you to follow so you can be like them. And you’re not like them, Nina. I knew it the first time I sawyou.”
She nodded. “You’re right: I’m not. But I don’t want to be this person either. I don’t feel good, Jack. I don’t feel… well. And after all this time, after everything I’ve been through, if I haven’t learned to listen to that, what’s the point of itall?”
“The point is to feel,” he said vehemently. “To feel whatever the fuck you want instead of what they tell you you’re allowed tofeel.”
“Even the things that make me sad, Jack? Even the things that make me ashamed?” She shook her head. “What’s the point of feeling something if it makes mesick?”
“Because it’s real," he saidcoldly.
“Maybe that’s enough for you, but I want to be happy. I want to feel good.” Something lightened in her chest as she said it, as she realized it was true. She drew in a deep breath. “I want to recognize myself when I look in themirror.”
“Nina…”
She stepped toward him and stood on her toes to kiss his cheek. “Goodbye,Jack.”
She had to force herself to turn away, to walk to the elevator and push thebutton.
To step inside and leave himbehind.
When she turned around he was still standingthere.
“I meant what I said.” He sounded confused. “I loveyou.”
“I believe you.” The doors started to close. “But it’s notenough.”
