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25
Two dayslater she was on the bench at the park, sunglasses shielding her eyes from the sun. She’d tried calling Judith, knowing the other woman wouldn’t tell her she looked like shit or press for details Nina didn’t want to give, but she hadn’t answered her phone and Nina had headed for the park alone, reasoning that it was just aswell.
She’d slept until one o’clock in the afternoon, waking only when the buzzer on her intercom started shrieking. The noise had lasted for nearly half an hour. Nina had ignored it, making coffee and forcing herself to breathe until itstopped.
She’d known it was Jack, but she wasn’t ready to talk to him. She was still processing the events of the night before, still figuring out how she felt about it, what she was willing to accept — from him and fromherself.
She’d spent the day curled up on her sofa in her underwear and T-shirt, petting Virginia, who suddenly wanted to be her best friend. She’d watched old movies and ordered takeout, replying to Karen’s texts in a way that wouldn’t elicit suspicion orquestions.
It had been a world of her own making, a precious few hours when she could pretend nothing else existed. The last time she’d run from Jack, Karen had been there to put her back together. Nina had no doubt the same would be true this time: if Nina called her, Karen wouldcome.
But she couldn’t keep relying on other people to put her back together, especially not when she knew what she had todo.
She took a deep breath and looked around the park. All around her life marched on. That was one thing she'd learned: no matter how bad things got, life never stopped, and as long as there was life, there was hope that things could bebetter.
She’d been devastated when she’d left Jack in Paris, her pain doubled when she’d said goodbye to Liam a couple days later. It would be no different this time. She could feel the hole opening up in the parts of her heart that had belonged to Jack. She already missed his voice, the smile that broke across his face when he couldn’t hold it back anymore, the tender way he held her aftersex.
Her body would miss him too. Conditioned to his mouth, his touch, it was already demanding more. Even after what had happened in the bathroom at the bar, she wanted him — craved him — with a fever that made it hard tobreathe.
All the more reason she had to leavehim.
She stood, picked up her bag, and started for the park’s entrance. The next time she came here it would be over for good with Jack. It was comforting to know the park would still be there, the fountain crashing, people laughing and walking and lounging on the grass. She would come with Judith and she would try to learn what it meant to live fully and well, to have no regrets and no judgements about the way it had all playedout.
To love all of herself, even the dark parts she wanted to hide.
