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“Surely you’d prefer some better company,” Sammi says and I can hear the smile in her voice. I watch her hand go to his chest and see his grin in response. “Maybe there’s another shower for us?”
“Sammi, you don’t need to—”
“Shut the fuck up, bitch!” Nick interrupts before turning his smiles back to Sammi. Nausea rises in me and I have to bite back the bile building in my throat as I watch him lean his head down to Sammi’s.
I can’t watch.
She was terrified of this guy, so I can only assume this was for my benefit.
I don’t look back until Nick starts leading Sammi away. The other guard watches them wistfully before turning back to me, all business and frowns. Apparently, he doesn’t like short hair either.
“Fucking strip,” he says, and I stare back at him, not moving a muscle. His eyes narrow and I keep my fists tight at my side.
“Fuck you.”
A smirk crosses the man’s face before he approaches.
Thirty Five
Axle
The world seems like it’s moving fast around me. The inmates going about their day below, the buzz of small insects and the steadily rising heat inside The Tomb. I know all of this, hear the sounds and feel the hard rock against my back, but it doesn’t cut deep enough to truly affect me. It occurs to me how limited the scope of my world really is.
Freedom is not just a word or even a concept. It’s something so much more than that, and something I never thought I’d have within my grasp. For a while there, it was. Then Ana was taken from me and twisted to side with my enemy. I don’t even feel angry at her, or even Dick anymore. Just, empty.
I don’t know how many hours I’ve sat here at this perch, unmoving and silent. It’s not much, really just a gaping hole in a wall that shows the yard below.
But it was Ana’s favorite spot.
“What are you doing?” I ask, walking up behind her. She’s sitting in the little alcove hole in the wall outside our chambers. She turns to me with a smile, that one reserved only for me that breaks my goddamn heart every time.
“Just sitting,” she replies before leaning up to take my kiss. “I love this spot, you can see everything so well and it’s just the right size for me.”
For me to fit, I have to crunch my body up over itself. I’d probably be uncomfortable if I felt anything. Just the thought of her fills me with bitterness and resentment, or I wish it did. I so badly want to feel angry, furious and betrayed. I’ve never craved emotion before and even now, I’m conflicted between wishing I could feel and savoring the numbness. A void I filled in the past with other things now is lined with cracks, unable to keep anything inside any longer.
Whoever said that bullshit about loved and lost was just plain fucking wrong. I failed my mama and I failed Ana. All love does is giving you a higher ledge to fall off of. At least when I was cutting, that ledge was damn short.
A few curious eyes look up to me, but I ignore everything while at the same time, watching it all. Ethan came by a while ago and was talking to me, but if you asked me what he said I wouldn’t be able to tell you.
When the speakers start crackling overhead, I feel my heartbeat pick up for the first time all day.Will she be there?
It must make me a bit of a masochist, but I hope so if only so she can spark something in me. Anger, love, I don’t even care at this point.
Still unmoving, I watch and I wait as the few inmates in the yard scatter and the heavy gates begin to open. My heart is loud but steady until the door is completely open and Ana steps out.
I gasp loudly as she takes a few steps forward, her usual confidence wavering. She’s wearing the most outrageous outfit I’ve ever seen, some gaudy red thing that was obviously a pre-Split outfit. Colors that bright just aren’t made anymore. The dress is mostly fitted and shows off her body in ways I’ve never seen. She looks sexy as hell, but it isn’t her.
Ana would never choose to wear something like that.
My body shifts forward and my eyes squint as they look down, trying to get a better view. Once she’s all the way into the inner cage more things slowly come into focus as the numbness fades, bit by bit.
She doesn’t look confident or in control like she did the day before.
She’s hunching just a bit, like in pain.
She’s wearing something she obviously didn’t choose.
When my eyes land on her luscious lips, I notice the split and bruise down her chin. A few small bruises on her arms, only visible due to the paleness of her skin.
