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‘Because you think you’re so smart. Little Miss I went to university and thinks she’s better than the rest of us.’
I want to hide. I want to be anywhere but sitting here on the other end of another one of Lorna’s angry tirades, this time against my supposed sense of superiority. ‘I don’t think that at all,’ I say through clenched teeth.
‘Don’t think that just because you’ve somehow managed to pull the wool over one of the professors’ eyes that you’ll be treated differently around here. You’re still an administrative assistant,support staff, and you still have to do your job, just like the rest of us.’
‘Lorna, I’m sorry I forgot to collect the questionnaires, but I don’t think I deserve any of what you’re saying.’ I feel an anger rising inside of me. Why should I take this?
She scoffs. ‘The questionnaires are just the tip of the iceberg. You think you can disappear for mid-week holidays and take extra-long lunch hours just because you’re with a professor? You think he’s going to bend the rules for you?’
I’d been fairly measured up to this point, but now I’m furious. ‘First of all, there was no mid-week break and when I take personal days or holidays that has nothing to do with you.’ I could feel my voice rising with each word. ‘That’s between me and HR. Second, I do not take lunch hours any longer than what I’m allowed. No one is breaking any rules here.’
‘I’m here to tell you that there are rules and they apply equally to everyone—including you. You think you can sneak around, playing coy. I’ve seen it all before, sweetheart, and it doesn’t end well. Those ones don’t mix with ones like us. We get them their teas and coffees. We do the jobs they can’t be bothered to do. That’s why they get big salaries and we can barely pay to keep the heating on. Don’t delude yourself for one minute that they’re going to let you into their little world. Why do you think they all speak the same way? Dress the same way? It’s so that you know right away which part of society you belong to. Who do you think you are? What makes you so special? He’ll use you up and then toss you away like a ratty dishcloth and he won’t think twice about it.’
I’m gobsmacked. Lorna might think that way about herself but I sure as hell didn’t. I’d fought my entire life against these types of labels, and I’ll be damned if Lorna is going to pigeonhole me like that because of her own fucked up view of the world. And I’m certainly not going to stop dating someone because Lorna thinks we shouldn’t be together. What does she know?! She barely knows me! My entire body fills with a rage I didn’t know was possible. I just want out. ‘I don’t get paid enough to take this—'
Like a light switch, Lorna’s face softens. As though she’d spent all of her energy on her irate outburst and has no more anger left to give. ‘I remember what it was like to be young once. Young and poor. Trying to escape the council estate, escape a life I didn’t want. I found a job, I dug my heels in. I raised two kids on my own. Don’t get caught up in something you can’t win, Leyna. Trust me, I’ve seen a lot of girls come and go over the years. You don’t deserve that.’
She pauses for a moment and then says, almost to herself, ‘You can’t keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you’re still in hell. Know your place, Leyna. Accept it.’ And with that Lorna walks out of the office.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?! I stand there a few moments in silence, completely dumbfounded. The other administrative assistant is hunched over her desk in the corner, making herself as small as possible and I can’t blame her.
I replay everything in my head over and over. Why did I let her go on like that? She said horrible things. I should have been the one to walk away. There was a part of me that hated myself for not standing up to her, for not trying to refute more of what she said about me. What did I have to lose? I clearly have no reputation whatsoever. The only reason I keep coming back to is that I don’t want to lose my job, and even that seems uncertain right now.
Much as I hate to admit it, a part of me knows there are kernels of truth in what Lorna said. In some respects, Lorna was right. We are beholden to the meagre salaries, the zero-hours contracts, the whatever-kind-of-job-we-could-get-our-hands-on because we didn’t have safety nets or trust funds. I couldn’t rely on my parents to help pay any bills because they didn’t have any extra either. If we wanted the electricity to stay on, we had to follow the rules—rules set out by those who had no idea how much a loaf of bread costs or what it means to choose between food or electricity, between keeping your house warm or paying the rent.
What would it be like to live life with a full bank account? Following your hopes and dreams without having to worry about having fights with your landlord because the roof is leaking or your washing machine is broken, or worrying if the mould growing in the corner of your flat would eventually damage your health?
I refuse to fall into this trap that Lorna had set out—that you either stuck to the straight and narrow and paid your bills or followed your dreams and starved. That was the sort of crap I’d grown up with my whole life. It was the reason my parents never supported my decision to go away to university. It was the reason why I felt miserable and like an abject failure when I thought about where my life was headed. And had I listened to those voices my hopes and dreams would have gotten drowned out years ago in those dismal wails of misfortune.
I am not ready to give up yet.
But I couldn’t get some of her words out of my head. I know that Jack isn’t how she described him, even if she never did say his name. I know Jack is different—I know it!Of that one thing I am certain. I should have defended him. I had considered saying as much to her but then thought better of it. Lorna is so stuck in her ways that nothing I have to say is ever going to make a lick of difference to how she sees the world.
I shrug off the stupor that had overcome me and I gather up my things and shut down my computer. I can’t stay here. I cannot bear to face Lorna if and when she returns to the office.
I swear to God, so long as I live, I will never submit to those ridiculous rules Lorna ascribes to. I’d never ascribed to rules, never followed social conventions, and never wanted to be just another worker bee. I flat out rejected Lorna’s view of the world and I vowed then and there that I would never know my place.
