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Chapter Ten
Thaddeus’s words hit her like a bucket of ice. In a moment, Perdie was fully awake, fully aware of their situation.
And fully in a panic. She clenched her jaw to kill the sob rising in her throat.
Dinna worry, lass. I’ll do right by you and marry you.
After a long pause, during which she fought for equanimity, she asked hoarsely, “Marry me, Thaddeus?”
“Aye, lass.”
Shock blasted through her when he shifted a bit so he could look into her eyes.
“We are already married. This will just be a formality before a man of the cloth,” he said in a rough, teasing murmur, yet his eyes were filled with a fierce sparkle.
One of pleasure…and perhaps triumph.
He gently kissed her forehead; the mere caress of his lips sent her senses spinning.
“Thaddeus, I cannot,” Perdie said, hating the hot ache rising in her throat.
He stilled. “Do you plan to never marry?”
Perdie pressed a fist to her chest as if that would stop the sudden ache that settled heavily in her heart. “I do.”
“But?”
“It must be when I am ready and to a man who will not limit my dreams.”
“Ah lass, I would never limit you in any way,” he murmured sleepily.
But I am not ready for marriage…might never be.
Thaddeus tucked her back into the comfort of his arms and fell asleep. A tumble of confused thoughts and feelings assailed Perdie. Fortunately, Thaddeus seemed to have drifted off into sleep. She drew in a deep breath to calm herself. The man behind her stirred.
Perhaps he wasn’t as deep in sleep as she’d supposed.
Perdie forced herself to relax. One by one, she loosened her knotted muscles. Despite her hammering heart, she paced her breathing. She shut her eyes in case Thaddeus raised himself up to look at her face. Moments passed. She didn't know how many, but the rain slowed to a trickle instead of a downpour. She licked her lips and tasted sweat.
He wanted to marry her.
It was the very thing she had left London to avoid. She had no intention of permitting herself to fall under Thaddeus’s spell.
I fear I am already halfway under your spell. She slapped a hand over her mouth to crush the sob. Perdie knew nothing about Thaddeus, nothing of his background other than the fact that he was from Scotland and due to inherit his uncle's estate. Not that money was much of an objection with her family. Her dowry was fit to purchase a kingdom. In fact, since leaving London, she had been puzzling over how to secure it for her own independent means.
She glanced down at him, and she felt a deep response with her heart.
But if she married, it and everything else—including her own free will—would be handed over to her husband like so much baggage. How could she marry when she still did not understand who she was and what she wanted from life. The only thing she knew is that upon marrying, her husband would instantly be in charge of her and would direct everything about her life. It was the husband’s purview to provide her an allowance; he could dictate the manner of her dress, where she traveled, the clubs she could be a part of. And he most certainly determined when he would fill her belly with a child.
She liked Thaddeus. Liked the feel of his touch and the taste of his skin. Liked that he easily professed support for her dreams and desires. She enjoyed talking with him, and the keen way he listened to her when she spoke, his attention rapt as if he thought her marvelous. But the thought of marrying sent shards of ice into her chest. Even if it was to a man as…simply astonishing as Thaddeus. Perdie felt shattered.
No, she had to leave. Perdie had her moment’s passion, her moment’s delight, her moment of spreading her wings and dancing close to an irresistible flame. If she left and continued her journey, Thaddeus would never find her. They hadn’t exchanged last names or titles or anything that might have revealed their identities to each other. Her mind decided, Perdie took a deep breath and started wiggling out from under Thaddeus's arm. She barely dared to breathe. Inch by slow inch, she made progress, pausing at intervals to make certain he was still asleep. At long last, she was free. She gulped for breath.
Next: her clothes. Thankfully, during her escape, Thaddeus had shifted off of the last corner of her dress. She donned it as quietly as possible, leaving her stays and breeches behind. Then, without looking back, she ducked out into the drizzle.
Within minutes, her grandmother’s hedges enclosed her. It was like being enfolded in a warm hug. The damp notwithstanding, she paused a few minutes to gather her composure before carrying on to the house. She moved at a quick, clipped pace that left her short of breath. The entire time, she thought about her next steps. Where would she travel to?
Thinking about other matters kept the panic at bay.
