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Where do I go?
She faltered, closing her eyes briefly. Do I really return home?
And right now, when she felt like a turtle stripped of its shell, she felt powerless to hurt her family any longer with her absence. While her family had hurt her with their indifference, her need to escape the feeling of being trapped had also been selfish. Perdie breathed deeply through the pain of facing flaws and the wild impetuosity that had led her down this path. Sebastian and her mother were going mad with worry and hurt over her absence; could she continue running?
And Perdie knew that they would have done everything in their power to hide that she was missing. Not only to safeguard their reputations but also to protect hers. “I am so sorry,” she whispered hoarsely. “I am so sorry.”
Perdie was still damp and bedraggled when she reached the house. A footman let her in, concern creasing his face.
“Shall I light a fire in the sitting room for you, milady?”
She shook her head. Panic welled inside her again.
“No, thank you. Where is my companion, Miss Harrington?”
The footman frowned, lowering his gaze to her bare toes covered in wet grass. His eyes narrowed into a squint, but she didn’t know if the expression was suspicion or the evidence of age. “I believe she took her supper upstairs, miss. Shall I fetch you a plate as well?”
“No.” The very last thing she felt was hungry. “Thank you.”
With that, she gathered her skirts and took the stairs two at a time. The air against her bare legs was startling. She reached the guest wing out of breath and searched the rooms until she found the one with light peeking from under the crease in the door. She didn’t bother knocking but barged inside.
Felicity had already changed into her nightgown. In a peaceful tableau at odds with Perdie’s frantic mood, her friend was tucked beneath the coverlet. A candle on the table next to her shed enough light for her to read the book propped on her knees. As the door flung open, the serene scene turned to one of chaos. The book jumped from Felicity’s hands, nearly knocking over the candle before Felicity caught it and tossed it on the bed. She raised the sheets to her chest.
“Perdie?”
Perdie knew she must look a fright. She didn't bother addressing that fact but said curtly, “Find Hattie and tell her to pack. Hurry. We must leave at once.”
It didn’t escape her that she was once again running. While she could find the courage to face her brother and her mother, Thaddeus was a different matter. Perdie feared she might say yes and live with a lifetime of regrets.
Felicity swung her legs from under the covers. As Perdie made to turn away, her friend caught her by the arm. “Perdie, what's wrong? Goodness me, you’re cold as death.”
“The rain,” Perdie answered absently. “I got caught in the rain.”
“But why are we leaving? Something has frightened you. Is it…has it something to do with Thaddeus?”
She didn’t want to think of him, tucked into the folly out of the rain where she’d left him. Where they’d made love. She licked dry lips. “He proposed.” Two clipped words that might as well have been announced to the gallows.
A furrow formed between Felicity’s eyebrows. “And you will not have him?”
Perdie recalled the passionate words she had said to Theodosia when she pleaded to join the club. “I hunger to be free from the constraints of my life. Am I so selfish to desire to walk in the park without someone hovering? Is it so wrong to want to stroll with my hair down and tossing madly in the wind?”
The last time she said yes to marrying Lord Owen, had been about six weeks after they first met. It had felt romantic and exciting, and most importantly, it had been their secret. Months later, when she turned seventeen years of age, he offered formally for her hand. She had known Owen for four years, and it would have been a terrible mistake to marry him. What would it be, should she marry Thaddeus only after several days of knowing him? Who would she be if she gave up on the brewing dreams in her heart without understanding them?
“I cannot…I fear I cannot speak of it.”
Felicity flung up her hands. “Right. Forgive the impertinence of my asking. I’ll pack.”
As she turned away, moving stiffly, guilt churned in Perdie’s stomach. Felicity had long since proven herself a friend. No—more than a friend. A confidant. A sister. She deserved better than being carted to and fro without explanation.
She rang for a maid and sent her along to fetch Hattie and a driver for the carriage. If Felicity was ready for bed, Hattie must be exhausted. Perdie didn’t have the heart to subject her lady’s maid to more inclement weather after all they’d been through in recent days.
“You really will not confide in me?”
Fear still stung her throat. Softly, Perdie said, “I’m terribly sorry for making you feel as if I am not willing to share my burdens. That is not true. You are a wonderful friend who is always there for me. I am…I am confused and scared about how I feel for Thaddeus. It is intense and wonderful. I have never felt like that before. Did you know in all the time I was engaged to Lord Owen, I never allowed him to kiss more than my cheek. Not once.” Yet, she had given Thaddeus her body.
“With this comparison, I suspect you have allowed Thaddeus to kiss you?”
“And so much more,” she whispered, fighting back the tears burning her eyes.
