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It was as if Lady Vivian had struck her, for all the air left Deborah’s lungs, forcing her to bend forward as she fought to catch her breath. Lady Vivian drew herself up to her full height whilst Deborah closed her eyes, trying hard to draw in as much air as she could.
Wed?
Lord Havisham was then secretly betrothed to Lady Vivian, it seemed. Neither Lady Havisham nor herself knew of such a thing and the pain which shot through her at the thought seemed to bend every bone in her body. In that one, startling moment, Deborah realized the truth.
She cared for Lord Havisham.
Her eyes remained closed as Lady Vivian began to chuckle, evidently believing that Deborah’s reaction came from a realization of guilt or being set back in her place. Deborah could not form words, and remained with her head bowed, her hands balling into fists as she bit down hard on her lip. She would say nothing more to Lady Vivian. Not now. Not when it was clear that Lord Havisham had already attached his affections to the lady. She could not risk doing so.
“I trust that I will not see you standing up to dance with Lord Havisham again.”
Lady Vivian was gone in a whirl of skirts, leaving Deborah trying to regain some sort of composure. Her throat constricted, and stars danced in front of her eyes as she blinked. Lady Havisham laughed as she continued her conversation with her friend, seemingly entirely unaware of Deborah’s struggle.
It all made sense to her now. Lord Havisham had prevented her from dancing any further at that ball at Lady Vivian’s behest. She thought him too kind, too generous and thus had insisted that he prevent her from standing up again – and now Lady Vivian had come to speak to her directly so that she made herself absolutely clear. Deborah had never considered Lord Havisham to be a gentleman so easily bent to another’s will, but if he cared for Lady Vivian, then it seemed right that he would do as she asked. How much she herself must have angered Lady Vivian by dancing with Lord Havisham! And how much pain she now felt knowing that such a thing would never take place again.
Her stomach twisted and she closed her eyes tight. The realization that she had come to care for Lord Havisham brought her nothing but pain. It was too late. It was much too late. He was now to be wed to Lady Vivian and there was nothing that she could do. Lord Thornley was her only hope for a suitable husband and even then, Deborah had no doubt that she would continually yearn and think of another.
“And are you to dance this evening, Miss Fullerton?”
Deborah swallowed at the tightness in her throat, lifting her head to see none other than Lord Thornley before her.
“I – I do not know, Lord Thornley. Lord Havisham has said nothing to me about this evening and–”
“But ofcourse,she is dancing.” Lady Havisham’s bright voice was filled with encouragement as she came towards them both. “Lord Havisham was a little out of sorts at the last ball and spoke without consideration.”
Shaking her head, Deborah put one hand on Lady Havisham’s arm, turning to her and speaking in a low voice. After the interaction she had endured with Lady Vivian, she could not continue without hearing from Lord Havisham first.
“I should prefer to speak to Lord Havisham before accepting,” she murmured, as Lady Havisham frowned. “Please, I cannot displease him again.”
Lady Havisham turned back to Lord Thornley, reaching across to pat Deborah’s hand.
“Why do you not choose your dances, Lord Thornley, and in the interim, Miss Fullerton will make certain that my son has no complaint. As I have said, I am sure that there will be no difficulty, but the dear girl is quite insistent that she has his agreement.”
“You have an excellent character, Miss Fullerton,” Lord Thornley grinned, as Deborah handed him her dance card, albeit with some reluctance. “I am certain that Lord Havisham will have no cause to disagree.”
Lady Havisham turned, then gestured to Deborah.
“He is standing just there, Miss Fullerton. Why do you not speak to him now?”
Deborah nodded and then stepped away from them both. Her stomach was in knots, her hands tying tight to each other as she walked towards him. Lord Havisham was laughing at something someone else had said and as she approached, Deborah dropped her head, afraid now of interrupting him.
“Indeed, I find that most invigorating!” Lord Havisham agreed, as Deborah drew near, but then stopped, standing a little away from him. “Ah, excuse me, old boy. I must just speak to Miss Fullerton.” His hand settled on Deborah’s arm, and she jumped, his touch startling her.
“My Lord, I….” Deborah fought to find the right words to say. “I beg your pardon for interrupting you, but I must know whether or not I have your permission to dance.”
Lord Havisham cleared his throat gruffly and Deborah dared a glance at him. His green eyes had darkened, and his chin was jutting forward gently. It seemed that she was not to have his permission to dance.
“I am not to be referred to as, ‘my Lord’, Miss Fullerton. And I understand now that I have created a problem where there ought not to be any. However, the situation is more complicated than it appears.”
Deborah nodded, already aware of what it was that he meant.
“I understand, Lord Havisham. It was, perhaps, a mistake for me to dance with you. I apologize.”
There was a breath of silence and then he caught her hand, tugging her a little closer to him. Deborah’s eyes flew to his, her heart suddenly slamming hard against her chest.
“No, Miss Fullerton, there was nothing wrong in our dancing.” His voice was low but fervent as if he was begging her to believe him. “I have not said anything of the sort and certainly do not think that there was any sort of concern in that regard. Did you not enjoy our dance together?”
Deborah pressed her lips together gently, finding it hard to answer such a simple question.
