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ChapterEighteen
SCAR
“Any wordon when your snowmobile will be fixed?” I ask, making small talk before we dive into the deep stuff.
“Uh. Yeah.” Crew runs his hand down the back of his head. “Should have it back tomorrow.”
“Good.” I nod.
And he nods.
And this is really awkward.
Finally, I just blurt out, “You already know, don’t you?”
Crew looks at me, a sour look on his face. “Yep.” Then he resumes staring straight ahead.
I stop walking, grab his arm, and look up at him. “You have to know I had every intention of telling you. It's not like I was trying to keep this a secret. We’ve all just been so preoccupied with everything else.”
He doesn't say anything. Not that I’m sure what I want him to say. That he still wants to be with me, maybe? Or, that nothing has changed between us?
“Say something,” I urge him. “Anything. Yell at me. Call me a whore. Just please say something.”
“Did you like it?”
My mouth drops open. “That’s it?”
He shrugs a shoulder and the tranquility in his reaction is unnerving. “Well. Did you?”
“Look. I know you’re pissed—”
“I’m not pissed,” he says, interrupting me. “Did I say I was pissed?”
My stomach twists in knots, my heart aching. He won’t even look at me. Tears prickle the corners of my eyes, and I blink them away. “I’m sorry.”
His eyes drop to mine. They’re soft and warm, and it hurts even more looking into them because it’s proof of the pain I’ve caused.
Without a word, he sweeps his fingers across my cheek, then grabs my hand, the dampness of my own tears seeping into my skin.
“I’m not mad at you,” he finally says. I’m not buying it, though. Lately, Crew is always telling me what I want to hear because he feels so much guilt about the nasty things he’s done to me.
I call his bluff. “Yes, you are.”
His head shakes in slow movements, his fingers gliding between mine. “I’m not. Disappointed? Yes. Hurt? A little. But mad? No, I’m not.”
“I never wanted to hurt you, Crew. I told you I was questioning things with Jagger, and I guess I should have been more up-front with my feelings. He just sort of took me by surprise, much like you did.”
“Listen, Scar,” he cups my face in both his hands, “I’ve gone over this shit in my head a thousand times. I’ve tortured myself. I’ve played out every scenario, and in the end, it all comes down to me losing you. As long as that doesn’t happen, I can cope with what you and Jagger did. What’s done is done. It’s out of your system and now we can all move on.”
“Out of my system?” The words fly out of my mouth as a question, and I immediately wish I could take it back because they are only going to destroy this moment of clarity for Crew. Except, it’s not a moment of clarity for me. Part of my heart is still back in those tunnels with Jagger. When we left, we were forced to go back to normal, but every minute of every day has me wishing we could go back and live in that moment a little longer.
“Yeah. You and Jagger caught a thing for each other. You fucked and now it’s done, right?”
The force of my eyebrows pinching together so prominently gives him my answer without me having to say a word.
“Tell me it’s done now, Scar,” he demands, needing to hear me say it.
But I can’t.
