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I sniffled, drying my eyes on the blanket. “I hate him for lying to me. Manipulating me into thinking we would be something more.”
“Yes! And?”
I exhaled a shuttered breath. “I’m scared.”
“What are you scared of?”
“Being alone. I don’t know where my dad is. Or what he wants. If Hero was with me, I feel like he would help me. Protect me.” Like when I was bound to the chair and gagged after the Hunter’s enforcer tried to rape me. I couldnottell Dr. Kelly that part.
“But you said you hated Hero. So why would you want his help?”
“Because part of me trusted him. He may not be around, but Madeline’s husband might be able to do something. I just… I don’t want anyone to know I hurt myself or the reasons behind what I do. I’ve never told Maddy. All these years of friendship and I never told her. What if she feels betrayed? Or turned her back on me like everyone else?” I would die if I lost my best friend.
“It may take some time for her to adjust to hearing this from you. We don’t know how she will respond until you try telling her. If she’s your friend, she’ll support you. She’ll love you through this difficult time. We’ve discussed this before.”
“I don’t want pity.”
She shook her head. “Now, Tara, you know love and support is not pity.”
“She’ll look at me differently. I won’t be her badass, fiery redheaded bestie. I’ll be the damaged girl the kids at school used to make fun of.” I sat taller in the chair, finding my fight. I wouldn’t let that happen. I was stronger than what happened to me. “It’ll break Madeline’s heart to hear what I’ve been through and what I do to myself. She’ll cry. I hate to see her cry.”
“You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for others. Remember when we talked about this years ago? You don’t have to be a martyr. Let your friends help you if they can. Healthy relationships are a two-way street. There’s give and take.”
I tried to absorb her words. They made rational sense but I wasn’t there yet. I waved her off. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know.” I was never good at giving and taking. I only gave and never took. It was how I was raised to be.
I felt the shift into a healthier mental state inside me occur just as Dr. Kelly smiled. It felt warm in my soul like my blanket on my lap.
“I see the fire in you is returning.” She jotted something in her notebook.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah.”
There was a time when my anxiety blew through the roof when Dr. Kelly scratched her thoughts down. Not anymore. She was excellent at her job. Helped me in immeasurable ways.
I felt better, despite how far I’d fallen back into my old ways. In the past, I would’ve beaten myself up about it. Slipped into a dark funk.
Not this time, though. My quick response showed strength.Yay me!
Her smile faded. “I have to ask. Have you hurt yourself?”
I hadn’t owned up about my recent incident. The time was now to do so. “Yes. But I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.”
My heart rate steadied as I drove into town after my session with Dr. Kelly in St. Cloud. The two-hour drive and hour-long appointment ate up my evening, but I didn’t care. It amazed me how light I felt after my session. I should make Dr. Kelly salted nut roll bars as a thank you for the first moment of peace since my night fucking Hero.
It was roasted peanuts, marshmallows, and a few other ingredients—a Minnesotan favorite. I’d made them for myself and Maddy a few times, when I missed my mom. Had even hummed the way she used to when in the kitchen. They were dear to me…
I pushed the insane thought out of my head. The bars were something my mom used to make me. I didn’t share them with just anyone. Salted nut roll bars were one of the only things I had left of her.
Jeez, could I be any more juvenile?
A scented candle would be better as a thank you—less personal.
Wanting to give the world to people who didn’t deserve it was a symptom of my broken past. Ever the giver. Like I was addicted.
Once an addict, always an addict.
I hadn’t realized how all the crap I’d recently been through had affected me.
The short time I lived on the compound taught me to keep my mouth shut about what I saw, not like Storm and the others ever talked about club business in front of thewomen. They were cavemen, every one of them. Stupidly handsome too. Sexy as fuck.
