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Teachers weren’t much better. They didn’t notice when students bullied the weak, dirt-poor kids and boys made crude remarks at girls like me. They acted blind and deaf, a lot like my parents.
Yet on the day I had my first period, my mother was quick to put me on birth control. I hadn’t even kissed a boy, and she wanted to prevent me from getting pregnant. The idea of a boy’s penis going into my private part freaked me out. I’d told her as much, but she assured me I’d have sex with the first guy who tried to get into my pants. I didn’t argue with her. What would be the point? My mother was never wrong and won every argument.
“What about getting her tubes tied?” Mom asked.
My eyes flashed open. Tubes tied? What did that mean?
“I’m sorry, what?” The doctor blinked as if shocked. “She’s only fourteen.”
“Look at her.” She pointed at me. “She isn’t that ugly. Some stupid boy will talk sweet to her just to get between her legs.”
I snapped my eyes shut, so I didn’t cry or see the doctor’s expression.
For as long as I could remember, I’d been invisible, treated as a burden by my parents and society. I’d been the dirty, smelly girl kids didn’t want to play with at school. I never got invited to parties or asked to sleepovers. I didn’t have best friends, just girls I sat with who were excluded because they were on welfare like me.
Why couldn’t I be invisible today?
No matter what my mom thought, I’d never let a boy get close to me.
“Fine! Write the damn prescription, and I’ll make sure she takes the pill every day!” Mom crossed her leg over her knee and glared at me. “Having a boy would’ve been a lot easier.”
The humiliation and shame I felt burrowed into my soul. The only reason I’d been born was that she didn’t know she was pregnant. She had blamed her weight gain on stress eating and thought she had IBS—Irritable bowel syndrome. Then the day of my birth, my dad had rushed her to the hospital, thinking she had food poisoning. I was born nine hours later.
“Get dressed, Hope. I’ll meet you outside. I need a smoke.” She barreled out of the room, letting the door slam open.
I flinched on the examining table.
The doctor wiped his brow and left. His exasperation with my mom was something I had experienced my whole life. Why my dad stayed with her, I may never know.
The nurse from before appeared in the doorway. “Can I come in?”
I nodded but wished she wouldn’t. I wanted to put my clothes on and get out of that place.
“I brought you some supplies.” She held up a bag. “Can I put it in your backpack?”
“Sure.” I shrugged, wondering what kind of supplies she had for me.
“Having a period means you’re a woman now.” She smiled, kindness in her eyes. “I got you some pads, deodorant, and soap. I even put some chocolate in there.”
“Thanks.”
“You should change the pad when it is full so it doesn’t leak out the back of your pants or smell.”
“Oh.” I sniffed the air. Was the foul smell I’d noticed from me? “I only had the one pad I got from the school nurse.”
“I’m sure your mom will buy you some more.”
“Okay.” She didn’t know my mom as I did. I’d have to figure out a way to buy my own pads.
“Aww, she cares about you. I’m sure she’s only looking out for your well-being.”
Nobody cared about me. It was okay because I didn’t need anyone.
“I know,” I lied.
“But if you ever need anything. I work Monday through Friday.” She waved as she left and closed the door.
“Finally alone.” I sighed and hopped off the table. “Oh my gosh.” A smear of red was on the paper liner. I’d leaked just like the kind nurse had warned.
