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But then I thought about everything Kelly’s been through, all the fear of the kidnapping…and even before that, shouldering mom and dad’s death, supporting me, never letting either of us sink into despair.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
I watch Benny stand and walk to the other side of the garden, Lucifer following close behind.
“Just everything,” I murmur. “Me and Jamie…you and Jamie.”
Kelly laughs lightly. “There never was anything between Jamie and me. You know that.”
“I believe you both. Obviously, I do.”
It’s the truth. Ever since Jamie told me, I knew he wasn’t lying.
I could feel it – and always can – how much we belong together, him and me. Nobody else could ever claim my man, no more than anybody else could ever claim me.
“But I still don’t know why,” I murmur.
My hand moves to my textbook, fiddling with the corner of it. College will start soon, and I want a head start on my studies, especially if I’m going to get pregnant soon.
That’s what I wish, hope, and pray for. Two lines on the test.
A baby, a family….
“I know,” Kelly sighs, watching my hand worry at the textbook. “I need to tell you. I want to.”
I turn to her, sensing the sadness in her voice. It’s the way her tone trembles like she’s on the verge of tears.
It’s a sound I rarely hear with Kelly, especially since mom and dad, especially when she became my guardian and my big sister.
But now I can hear it. She picks at the table, sighing.
“I just don’t get it,” I go on.
Part of me wants to let this topic simply disappear, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. I could pretend that those few months when Kelly and Jamie were ‘together’ never happened.
I can pretend that me and Jamie, the kisses, the closeness, the laughter, the love is all that exists.
But I can’t go through life without knowing why they did it.
Kelly stares at the textbook again, sighing.
“I’m good at putting things off,” she says quietly. “I did mean to tell you. The first weekend Jamie and I… you know, got together.”
Even knowing they were never together, never did anything, it still hurts the destiny-driven part of me to hear somebody else talk about being with my man. Even to think about it makes me sick.
I push it away.
Kelly grins. “Don’t worry. I never wanted him, and he never wanted me.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
She laughs affectionately. “You didn’t have to. I can see how in love you are.”
I glance back at the house, wincing, even as the truth of her words flows through me.
“What’s wrong?” Kelly asks.
“You should be careful with that word,” I tell her.
“Why?”
“He hasn’t said it yet. Nor have I.”
“But…,” Kelly pauses. “You’re talking about having a family. About living together. About getting married one day.”
Each sentence slams into me, crashing with the force of the truth. We want all that and have been talking about it constantly, about how we want a full home with happy, laughing children and always want to be together.
Never apart.
“Yeah,” I mutter. “But we haven’t said it.”
“I’m sure he’s waiting for the right time,” Kelly murmurs. “But maybe he doesn’t realize there’s never a right time to talk about certain topics. Sometimes, you just have to….”
She trails off, both of us smiling when we realize the implication of her words.
“So, clearly, that means I need to tell you,” she says.
I reach over, gently touching her hand. “You don’t have to.”
Despite my words, my heart is rushing, and my palms are suddenly sweaty. It’s been difficult ever since the cabin, talking with Kelly while this huge unspoken thing hovers between us, this metaphorical but also very freaking annoying elephant crammed into every conversation, never addressed.
“I do,” Kelly says. “I should’ve told you way sooner. What’s the alternative, anyway?”
She’s getting worked up, sitting forward and talking in a low, fierce voice.
“I just never tell you?” she says, shaking her head. “I can’t keep putting things off. I just want you to know…you can’t be pissed at yourself, okay? At me, fine. This was my decision. But you can’t blame yourself.”
“Why would I….”
She squeezes my hand even fiercer than I squeezed hers. “You can’t.”
“Okay,” I whisper. “But I’m not sure I can promise that, Kelly. How can I if I don’t know what it is?”
My belly’s swirling, and my mind’s putting pieces together…like the way she’s looking at my textbook.
And Jamie’s world, money…what sort of money would people be able to get, to lend?
And if the loan went wrong…
Kelly looks closely at me. “Why do I feel like you already know?”
I shake my head. “You know me. I’ll drive myself crazy thinking of all the different theories and everything. It doesn’t mean I’m right.”
Kelly gnaws on the inside of her cheek.
