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Even through the strangeness of the headset’s distortions, her voice sounded sad and full of regrets. And yet, I envied her. What if I had grown up alone? What if I never had to watch my sister die? What if my brother wasn’t the one who killed her? Being an only child seemed preferable. I couldn’t tell her that, though. Not if I wanted this conversation to continue, and if I was being honest, I did. I was enjoying having someone to talk to, and I didn’t want to screw it up.
“Will you go back, then? To Kychek?”
“Maybe someday,” she answered. “But there is nothing there for me now. My future is with Tayla and her crew. They are doing good work. I believe in what they’re doing. And who knows, maybe I can land a husband somewhere along the way.”
She snorted, obviously dismissing the idea out of hand. But her comment stuck in my mind like a splinter, unsettling me as I tightened my grip on my control yoke and tried to focus on flying the ship. Why was I so sensitive to this idea? Despite what we’d done in my cabin, and the sweet way I’d taken her for myself, I knew I could not keep her for myself. Still, the thought of her falling for another man raised the hackles on my neck. I did not want her to find some other lover. Not when I so enjoyed hearing my name on her lips and feeling her body against mine.
“Is it a husband you’re seeking?” I ask, despite knowing that I am out of line. This conversation will not be fruitful. I am treading dangerously in territory I do not belong in.
“Well, no. But when I see Tayla and Adreax together, I can’t help but wonder what that must be like. They are perfect together. Everyone can see it.” She gives a sad little laugh through the headset before continuing. “I guess growing up the daughter of a whore wasn’t enough to break me of my Prince Charming fantasies.”
I bristled at her words, feeling strangely defensive.
“Cosma, you are more than the daughter of a whore. You should not speak of yourself that way.”
“It’s okay, Malik. I know what I am. I grew up in the mansion, but I am not royalty. I learned early on what the universe had in store for me, and happily ever after wasn’t it. I’m a fighter, though. That’s why I want to be with Tayla. I know I can be of use to her.”
Hearing the determination in Cosma’s voice made something inside me twist uncomfortably. She was going to get herself killed. Already my mind was imagining a million things that could have gone differently back on that outpost. If I hadn’t crossed her path, she might already be dead. And so what? If she were dead, what difference would it make to me? But I can’t allow myself to go down that path because it’s too late. Whether or not I like it, we share some kind of connection, and the thought of her dying has me grinding my teeth with fury. I would never anyone to lay a finger on her if she were mine. If…
13
COSMA
We flewfor a long time in silence. From the back seat, I could not see Malik’s face to read his expression. All I could hear was the radio silence of my headset, occasionally broken by a crackle or pop.
I had told him I wanted to go back so I could be of use to someone, but that was only half the truth. I believed I could learn to be useful to Tayla and her crew eventually, but as of right now, I wasn’t much use to anyone. In fact, it was my lack of skills that had gotten me here. And what did I do when I was stuck in a pinch? Fuck the first dude I could find. Like mother, like daughter, I guess.
Staring out at the distant stars, swallowed by the deep blackness of open space, I felt the first tears sliding down my cheeks, and I fought the urge to sniffle. I did not want Malik to hear me crying.
I’d done what I had to do to, and that was all there was to it. Hell, I could even admit that I’d actually enjoyed sleeping with the brawny red-skinned man. There was no need to feel ashamed of myself. But that didn’t change the tinge of regret that wound its way through me, eating away at my subconscious. I’d made that remark about finding a husband, but that feeling inside me was a solid reminder that no man could ever truly love me. Not if they knew what I’d come from.
I sat back in my seat, closing my eyes and breathing slowly through my mouth to keep from breaking down. I had to get my head on straight before we arrived at the outpost. We had a job to do. I’d agreed to this to get back to where I belonged. If I made a mistake here, I had no doubt Malik would leave me for dead. Why would he waste time saving me a second time? Hadn’t he warned me he only saves people once? He’d said that to me the day we met, and now those words circled around in my brain, reminding me that there was no room for mistakes.
A sound in my headset grabbed my attention, and I looked around the cabin, searching for the source of the alarm. Up front, I could see Malik’s hands working on his control panel, and I heard him cursing under his breath as he mashed buttons and steered the ship abruptly to one side, making me whack my head against the side of the seat.
“Fucking space weasels,” he muttered to himself.
“What is it?”
I gripped the armrests tightly, trying to peer past Malik’s bulky shoulders to see what was up ahead.
“It’s nothing. Just a little unexpected security beacon. We’ll be clear of it in a minute.”
I leaned forward, scanning the sky anxiously. I could hear the tightness of his words, and I did not feel reassured in the least. Whatever had set off that alarm was still in the vicinity, and I wanted to keep an eye on it. Meanwhile, the bad feeling in my gut was growing too big to ignore.
“Malik?” I asked, keeping my voice low so as not to distract him from what he was doing.
“What?” He snapped, the irritation in his voice striking me like a slap.
I had to gather myself again before I spoke. “Are you sure we’re clear?” I managed, barely able to find the words.
“No. But it’s too late now. If they’ve spotted us, they’ll send out the drones. All we can do is hope that I blocked the signal fast enough, and get in and out before they realize it wasn’t a false alert.”
I hunched down in my seat, closing my eyes and whispering silent prayers to the universe that we would survive this. Nobody had ever taught me how to pray properly, but somehow, pleading with the unending darkness to deliver us from danger made me feel a little better.
“Wait. I thought you said the post was four hours away. Why are there security beacons all the way out here?”
“I don’t know. Probably because the Sovann’ash like to infect everything they can reach. They’ve already taken over every sector in the immediate area. Plus, they’ve been looking to close in on the Vaclanheim ever since we left our planet behind.”
