Page 106 of Until Him

“You know, I want to buy a house with more land and have a real farm. Cows, sheep, and rows and rows of corn. We could really live off the land, likeLittle House on the Prairie. Although, those books were kind of sad. Not sure I could kill a cow for meat. I’d get too attached.”

I can totally imagine that scenario—Basil happily chugging away on a tractor, feeding baby sheep, and carting miniature goats around in his Petpod.

“Anyway, sorry, got a little sidetracked. I have so many dreams, you know?” he mutters and we both stare as Curie hops on top of a row of planters and walks through the plants.

“Is that okay?” I ask.

Basil nods. “Hell yeah. Look at her, smelling the strawberries.”

She is, in fact, smelling them. Jesus, is she eating one?

Can cats eat strawberries?

I glance up at Basil, but he seems unconcerned by it. Instead, he’s moving toward a planter farthest from the door.

“Here are the carrots. Let me show you how to pull them up,” he says, kneeling down, his knees cracking loudly.

We spend the next few minutes gently tugging the orange root vegetables from the dirt. It feels cathartic and I lose myself in it for a moment.

“Logan really likes you,” Basil says suddenly, and I peek over at him. “He told us how you said he was smart.”

“He is.”

Basil swallows a little and leans back on his heels.

“Thank you for giving him a chance. For believing in him.”

Jesus, I feel like a total shithead. If he knew what I’d made his son do in exchange for tutoring, he’d hate me. He’d kick my ass straight out of the house.

When Logan had first shown up at my door, I’d only bargained with sex thinking he’d tell me to go to hell. I generally try to stay away from the popular jock crowd and since he wasn’t taking no for an answer, I figured he’d be repulsed by my suggestion and leave me alone. But when he’d actually agreed, I felt compelled to follow through. I’m a stubborn ass sometimes and I didn’t want to back down. I wanted to feel in control.

The truth is, I used Logan. I’m no better than James and those other boys who used me and treated me like dirt.

Fuck, I’m a terrible person. And here I am, pulling up carrots with his dad who’s sniffling and thinking I’m some great friend to his son.

My stomach clenches with shame, and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

I want to run away and hide.

“Sorry,” Basil says when I’ve been silent too long. “Logan just speaks so highly of you. He told us what you did for him and Landon, too—how you got them to work out their issues. Their mom and I really appreciate that. It’s important to us that our boys have a good relationship.”

My heart stutters and I feel dizzy. That was nothing. Logan deserves more. He deserves so much better.

“They were always so close. Then the accident…Logan burdens himself sometimes, unnecessarily. I’m glad you were able to get through to him. None of us have the balls to take a stand. We’re all a bit non-confrontational in this family.”

“I really didn’t do all that much.”

But Basil waves me off and moves over to the onions. He shows me how to pull them from the soil without damaging the bulb. I mimic him, the two of us working in silence until Basil says, “I see the way he looks at you. It’s the same way Finn looks at Landon…”

My chest aches and I close my eyes, focusing on taking a few deep breaths.

I turn to him and say softly, “Logan is wonderful. But we’re just…we’re friends.”

“Nah, you can’t fool me. It’s more than that,” he says and wipes at his eyes, dirt smearing across his handsome face. “My boys…all grown up…falling in love.”

I can’t stand it anymore. I pull my hood up over my head so it shields my face, and focus on plucking the bulbs from the soil.

“Nothing to be ashamed of,” he says gently, mistaking my hiding for shame.

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