Page 107 of Until Him

“I’m not ashamed,” I mutter.Lies, all lies. I am ashamed, but not in the way that he thinks.

Basil reaches out and squeezes my arm and my eyes begin to sting.

“Logan and I didn’t meet under…ideal circumstances,” I admit, blinking rapidly and trying to focus on the soil.

“We all thrive on weird up in here. If you had told me it all started normally, I’d be surprised,” Basil says, and I peek over at him.

He still has a dopey smile on his face and seems so happy in this moment, I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to admit who I really am.

“Doesn’t matter how it happened. Just know that Logan is happy. The happiest I’ve seen him since before the accident,” Basil replies, wiping his hands on his jeans.

Isn’t Logan always pretty happy, though? He’s like a big, goofy ball of sunshine.

But I don’t say anything else, I just stew in my guilt until Basil gathers Curie and leaves me alone inside the greenhouse.

Logan finds me a half hour later behind a coffee tree, my fingers running across the leaves and my mind a complete mess.

“Hey,” he says, with a grin.

“How was the movie?” I ask, unable to meet his eyes.

“Good, wish you had come, though. Landon and Finn were all cuddly and I was like the third fucking wheel.”

I watch him approach and move back a little.

“Do you feel better?” he asks, concern lacing his tone.

“No. I think it’s contagious,” I reply and Logan’s eyebrows meet.

He reaches out to touch my forehead, but I bat his hand away.

“Wait,” I say. “I’m fine. I feel fine…physically, at least. I just…we need to clear the air.”

“Clear it? From what?” Logan asks.

I swallow and tug on my hood. “I think we need to end things.”

He looks completely shocked. “Um, hell no.”

Jesus, of course he won’t make this easy.

“I will tutor you the rest of the semester. If you even need it…”

“I need it,” he says, moving toward me, his eyes flashing.

“But no more sex.”

He folds his arms across his large chest and glowers at me. “And why the hell not?”

“Because…” I throw my hand up in the air and knock it against a hanging plant. “Shit,” I say, rubbing my smarting fingers. “Because your dad thinks I’m some kind of saint for helping tutor you, but little does he know, I told you that you needed to fuck me to get any of my help…”

I run a hand through my hair and start pacing.

“So, I’m basically a terrible person. I’m no better than the bullies that fucked around with me. I am a bully. Fuck, Logan. I was awful to you. I used you.”

“Nah, Theo,” Logan says, but I shake my head so hard my brain rattles in my skull. “I liked it. I liked everything we did.”

“So? That doesn’t make it right! I’m not good for you.” I’m panting now, my eyes brimming with unshed tears.

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