Page 81 of Until Him

I close my eyes and feel my heart in my throat.

“I can’t right now. I can’t,” I whisper.

“I’m staying in a hotel just down the street. Call me. If you want. I know…” He swallows roughly. “I know I was terrible at being a father. I’m sorry and I know I can’t fix it, but I’d like to get to know you.”

Oh, my heart.

I clutch at it and nod, slowly closing the door on him.

Because what the fuck am I supposed to do? Accept him into my life, disrupt everything, put aside how awful he was to me my entire life, just because he found out he’s out of time? Now that he’s dying, he suddenly wants to know me? Wants forgiveness? Forgiveness from all the times he stood me up, all the times he didn’t show, all the times he said hurtful, condescending things? Forgiveness for destroying my self-esteem?

I was never good enough for him.

I slide down the door and pull my legs up to my chest, my entire body shaking.

I don’t know how long I sit there, time passing in fragments as I escape into my mind.

Suddenly, the door is shoved open, and I’m pushed across the floor. I peek up and see Logan standing above me. When he notices me on the floor, curled up in on myself, he drops to his knees and runs a hand down my cheek.

“Hey,” he says, so softly, so gently.

Another tear slips from the corner of my eye as I meet his tender gaze.

“What happened?” he asks, brushing away the wetness.

I open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.

“Theo,” he groans and then pulls me into him, and I let him hold me.

I press my face into his neck and inhale him, his innate goodness.

He will always be too good for someone like me.

He rocks me gently, pressing his lips to my hair, one of his hands massaging the back of my neck lightly.

“You’re okay,” he hums.

I’m not, not really, but I let those words settle over me. Maybe if I hear him tell me that enough, I’ll believe it.

“I’m sorry,” I manage to say, my voice broken and rough.

“Nah, don’t be. I cry all the time,” he says. “It’s healthy.”

I let out a wet laugh, but don’t move from my spot on his lap. I just want to stay here forever. Safe and cared for.

I have no one now.

I’ll be all alone in this big, daunting world when he’s gone.

“My dad came by,” I say softly, clutching onto the front of his shirt.

“Shit.”

“He’s dying.” The last word comes out broken and ugly and I shudder against Logan’s strong body.

He’s silent against me.

“He has a few months left. He wants to get to know me, Logan. After all this time.”

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