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Diane crossed the distance between them, laying a hand on his shoulder.
“I have so much to take into consideration in so little time, but I’d at least have an easier time making up my mind if I didn’t have to worry so much about my lost collection,” she continued, since Liam had not deigned to add anything to her line of thinking.
She ran her hands along the edge of the trunk, as her thoughts turned down the dark road of what was possibly happening to her most prized possessions.
“And I cannot know that my aunt is not unpacking my belongings as we speak, looking for some clue as to where we have disappeared, and in shame, burned my whole collection—”
Her throat tightened even as she spoke the words. Her breath caught a little too quickly in her throat, snagging and shuddering. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes at the thought, blurring her vision.
Then there was Liam’s arm, just around the back of her shoulders.
He was there so quick and easily, for a moment Diane wondered if she had fainted again. Twice in one day would be a record for her, but she usually wasn’t allowed to get up for more than a moment after a fainting spell, often for the next day or so.
No, it was simply just the suddenness of how he pulled her to him, in a grip that nearly lifted her feet from the ground.
She wanted to remain in his arms, but she couldn't, not when a question of matrimony hung in the air, along with the fate of everything she held dear.
She steadied herself, finding her footing and pushing away from Liam.
When she took a step back, he didn’t turn towards her. That was fine, she told herself. The way he refused to look at her pinched in her heart, but she could only imagine it was a fraction of the rejection he was feeling now.
The thought tore her up inside, extinguishing the anger she had been responding with.
“Liam, please. I can’t answer your proposal,” she said softly.
“Because the answer’s ‘no’,” he said, his tone almost entirely matter-of-fact, except for a small hitch of a note that betrayed his stony expression.
“I don’t want the answer to be ‘no’!” she burst out, not caring they were in the street for anyone to overhear. She stopped herself before she could do further damage, and tell him that the answer she had wasn’t a whole-hearted ‘yes’ either.
Diane sighed and pressed her temple to his shoulder as well. “My heart could never refuse you. I’ve admired you too much, wanted too long from afar.”
She closed her eyes, holding his coat loosely. If not for reality, they could have had all the time in the world to explore the fondness they had for each other.
“...But?” Liam said, giving existence to the word that was hanging in Diane’s pause.
Diane huffed a small laugh. “I hate it when you do that.”
“Then you shouldn’t leave parts unsaid so often,” he murmured back, a touch of humor in his voice. Then he sobered. “You cannot tell me these things in the pursuit of undoing damage. Knowing now of your admiration only does more.”
It seemed there was nothing she could do to fix the situation between them. Nothing short of accepting his proposal would make him happy, and even if she gave it now, she knew he would suspect she was giving in.
She wished she could make herself feel differently, for both their sakes.
How was she supposed to explain that because it was the only choice in front of her, she hesitated?
It should have been an easy question to answer. It should have taken no thought to say yes and secure her future. She could see a life happier than what she saw having with Martin. A husband she felt warm to look upon. Would it be so awful to marry a man just for the sake of saving her reputation?
But her heart couldn’t be in it. Now that she knew what it felt like to let her happiness lead her, she couldn’t offer anything less than an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to save herself. She had tasted unrestrained sweetness, and nothing could convince her to return to a life without it.
She took a step back from him, swallowing the tension that had built inside her throat. “I could never refuse you, but... I’m not ready to answer you.”
Her gaze gravitated to Liam as it always did, as he held stoic in the face of her rejection. He found something to do with the horse’s tack, making a number of inconsequential adjustments to it.
It felt like there was a wall between them, invisible and insurmountable. How could he make her feel so alive one moment, so easily giddy in his presence, and at the same time, his offer made her feel backed into a corner?
Even just this morning, it had become clear how one revelation of who she was behind the quiet, sickly, unfortunate girl everyone saw changed his entire perception of her. Perhaps they had thought they knew each other, but clearly it only took one revelation to make them feel all but strangers. If she said yes now, what would happen when she showed him some new side of her, and he reacted the same way?
Two strangers, stuck with each other. Everything once bright and beautiful about them becoming just one more thing they couldn’t stand about each other.
