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She smiles. ‘I wasn’t your average teenager. I’d learned to look after myself. And to be honest, being free of my tormentors at last was so amazing, it didn’t really seem so bad, dressing up and making conversation over dinner or going to events with strangers. Most of them were really nice and understood the agency’s strict rules about companionship only– they weren’t buying sex.’
‘But not all of them?’
She shivers. ‘Not all of them. As it turned out. There was one guy I really liked. I’m not even going to tell you his name because I swore I’d never utter it again after what happened. But anyway, he made me laugh every time we went out, and he seemed to really like me, too. I thought we had something special. So when he asked if he could start seeing me outside the agency, I agreed. I thought I was in love.’ She shakes her head sadly. ‘I really did. I guess he seemed like my knight in shining armour– the one who was going to rescue me from everything bad.’
‘What happened?’ I squeeze her hand.
She sighs heavily. ‘He came on strong that very first night, and when I told him I was scared because I was a virgin, he just laughed and said in that case, it was time I wasn’t. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. And... he attacked me when I tried to escape.’
I gasp in horror. ‘Oh, Irene. Did you report him?’
‘No. But I never went back to the agency. I managed to get a job in a café. But then about a month later, I started being sick and I found out I was pregnant. Lois was on the way.’
‘But you need to tell Lois all of this,’ I burst out. ‘Then she’ll understand why you kept the truth from her. You only wanted to protect her.’
Irene shakes her head. ‘She won’t understand. And I can’t expect her to. Depression warps your mind and leads you into such dark places.’ She gives an involuntary shiver and pulls the coat around her. ‘And then its tentacles reach out and trap the people close to you, in that same endless cycle of misery.’
‘You were clinically depressed?’
She nods. ‘After the attack, I sank into a black hole that lasted throughout the misery of finding I was pregnant and having to give birth to that man’s baby. I wanted to get rid of it but when I turned up for the termination, I knew I couldn’t go through with it. It wasn’t the baby’s fault that my life was such a mess. But I regretted that change of heart so many times. Back then, I was totally incapable of nurturing another life, stuck on my own with Lois in a tiny, mould-ridden flat and barely able to afford to buy baby milk.’
‘Oh, Irene,’ I breathe. ‘I can’t imagine how awful it must have been.’
She turns. ‘I’m not telling you all of this so you’ll feel sorry for me, Clara. I’m just trying to explain why Lois has every right to hate me.’
‘She doesn’t hate you. Far from it,’ I whisper.
‘Well, I don’t know why,’ she says bitterly. ‘I resented her, you see. That’s the honest truth of the matter. In my depression, I looked at this tiny, innocent baby and all I could see was the face of the man who’d forced himself on me. Lois was a constant reminder of that dark time. I kept thinking if only I hadn’t got pregnant, I’d be able to move on. But as it was, I was stuck reliving the past forever, like some gruesome nightmare version ofGroundhog Day.’ Her chin trembles. ‘I just knew I’d never be free of him.’
I put my arm around her, fully expecting her to brush me away, and I’m surprised when she doesn’t. But then, she’s so mired in the nightmare visions of her past, she’s probably not even aware of my attempt to comfort her.
‘It was the depression skewing my view of life,’ she’s saying. ‘I realised that years later, when I finally saw a doctor, thinking I was losing my mind. I owe that woman a hell of a lot. She talked to me about the “black dog” and gave me medication and told me I had to stop blaming myself.
‘But by then it was too late, of course. Lois was three and I’d distanced myself from her, hiding my anxieties behind a conviction that kids should be brought up to be independent and fend for themselves. I provided everything she needed and made sure she never came to any harm. But I failed to give her the one thing every kid should be able to count on– a parent who’ll properly nurture them and lavish them with love and care.’
‘It’s never too late,’ I murmur.
‘You think so?’ She stares at me sadly. ‘That man blighted my whole life. And my daughter’s. We can’t come back from it now.’
‘Well, I disagree. What you went through was horrible. But you’re a strong woman, Irene. And you shouldn’t let that one horrific act continue to darken your life like this. You can start again. Tell Lois the truth. Tell her exactly what you’ve told me and she’ll understand. I know she will. She might give the impression that she doesn’t care about anything, but deep down she cares an awful lot.’
Irene makes a tiny noise in her throat. ‘I wonder who she learned that from.’
‘You’re peas in a pod, you two.’
‘Maybe.’ She sighs. ‘You know, I thought I’d turned a corner when I met your dad. He was so lovely to me, right from the start... the first man I was able to trust. I told him everything– I left not a single thing out; I told him all the gory details– and he understood.’
‘He did.’ I squeeze her hand. ‘He really did.’
I’m remembering now how I used to wonder why Dad was so forgiving towards Irene. To me, she was supremely selfish and Dad allowed her to walk all over him. But now I can see it differently. The fact is, Dad knew he was dealing with a horribly damaged woman, and being the wonderful man he was, he instinctively knew that patience and kindness and building up her trust in him was the only way to heal the emotional scars...
‘You can move on now, with our help. We’re all here to support you, Irene.’
She looks at me and shakes her head, her face wreathed in sadness. ‘But I can’t move on. He won’t let me.’
‘What? Who won’t let you?’
She swallows. ‘Lois’s biological dad. My blackmailer.’
