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"Tell me what the doctor said. Or I'll have to call the office and ask to speak to him myself."
I laughed, and it sounded bitter. I didn't want to fight, but I would. "Mom, you can't. You don't get it, do you? I'm an adult. An actual adult who can speak to a doctor without having her mommy in the room." It was a low blow, but her constant nagging frayed my last nerve.
She sighed, sagging a little. "I know you are, Lux. I'm not blind to that. But we've been through this together and—."
"No, Mom," I barked. "I went through it. I lived through the chemo, the constant, endless regime of medications to get me well. The puking and the hair loss. All you did was hold my hand and pray I got through."
Her eyes glittered with tears, almost stabbing me in the heart.
A huge exhalation of air pressed out of my lungs, and I leaned against the wall. "I don't want to fight Mom, but you're suffocating me." There, I said it. Even though I hurt her, I shared my deepest struggles. Sure, I knew she'd been there with me. Every step of the way. But it wasn't the same as experiencing it first-hand. I needed her to see me for what I was—a fighter and a survivor.
"You act like you're the only one that this has affected," she mumbled, her voice thick with emotion.
"I know it's taken its toll on you too. And that's why I'm pushing. I need to start living myownlife, soyoucan too. Even Doctor Evans told me today it was time to start living more. We can't keep hiding from things that might make me a little ill." It'd already happened anyway, and dammit, I didn't want to leave this life without having done things.
"Lux, you have a weak immune system. The slightest virus or infection could put you in the hospital, or worse." She shuddered at her words. "What else did the doctor say?"
I sighed, heading over to the table where I plunked down the keys. Part of me didn't want to tell her because it would send her into a spin. But she deserved the truth. Steeling myself, I rolled my shoulders back. "Don't freak out because it's not a big deal."
"I think I'll be the judge of what is a big deal or not." She crossed her arms as though to hold in all she was feeling.
There she went again.
"Fine, he told me my blood count was high. There's been a change and that we need to monitor it a bit more closely." I didn't add that he thought the cancer might be back. I was so fucking frustrated. Why couldn't I be like others my age? Those who graduated college. Got a job and went out with friends on the weekends.
The color drained from her face. "This is my worst nightmare." She went into the living room and sank in the nearest chair.
I didn't want to follow but did it anyway. "He didn't say the cancer has definitively come back. But this is why I didn't want you to come. You overreact to everything." I threw my hands in the air, feigning irritation, but I was a little worried too. That was why I'd decided it was time to find out what it meant to experience all the world had to offer.
"Lux, why didn't you come straight home and tell me. I'll need to restock all your vitamins. We'll start the full regime again from tomorrow. I've let things slip. We've been lax. Gotten too comfortable." She rushed into the kitchen and started opening all the cupboards.
“Mom! Stop it." I took hold of her arm, demanding she look at me.
"I can't." She looked at me blankly. "I can't let you die." She continued to open all the cupboards in her frenzy, followed by the pantry and the refrigerator.
Was it wrong I wanted a break from her? Or that I needed to be around people who didn't treat me like a dying child?
"I'll have to anti-bac everything. Until I'm done, try not to touch anything. I'll be quick about it," she said, primarily to herself. She grabbed a cloth and some spray.
While I watched her freak out, annoyance fused along my spine. It was time for some tough love. "You know where I've been, Mom?" My face exploded with heat at the thought of Rush. And the anger I'd been carrying around for years climbed up my throat like an uncontrollable snake.
"Where?" She blinked and froze like that could keep away whatever havoc I'd wreaked on my body.
"I rode on a motorcycle. Had an alcoholic beverage and ate food full of who-knows-what kinds of preservatives." I put my hands on my hips. "And I did all of that with a handsome stranger. Some guy I met at the vending machine." Now that I'd started, I couldn't stop. "He listened and talked to me without making it all about cancer and vitamins. And you know what? I don't think they anti-bac'd the table before we sat down. Maybe I should go and bathe in some bleach." My nose flared, and my insides quivered with fury.
"Lux, you didn't." One hand fluttered to her throat, shaky as her face lost all color.
'Yeah, I'm sure while I was on the motorcycle, the wind blew all kinds of germs right into my face." I didn't tell her I wore a helmet. "I probably swallowed them all. Every single damn last one of them." My hands shook. I curled them into fists, hoping to stave off the trembling. My heart was pounding so fast I thought it would barrel out of my chest. I felt a little light-headed, but I held my ground.
"How could you?" She appeared to be in shock.
But I didn't care. I was exhausted with the hand life had dealt me. "Because, mom, for the first time in years, I wanted to have some fun." At that, I turned on my heels and headed for the stairs. Once I reached my room, I slammed my door and slid to the floor.
Tears burned my eyes. I didn't want to fucking cry, but they came anyway. I shouldn't have had a drink. I should've called my mom and told her what I was doing. That would've been the mature thing to do. Instead, I'd acted like a child, and the only person I'd hurt was myself. It was my body that would suffer the consequences for my actions. Okay, and I'd hurt my mom, but I was pissed and didn't want to think about that. Wiping my eyes, I crawled over to my bed and climbed on, wrapping myself in the comforter. The birds were still busy building their nest.
Relentlesswas the word that came to mind. I watched them until my eyes became heavy and I fell asleep.
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