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Nick walks by me and heads into our bedroom. He grabs his pillow and walks back down the hallway toward the living room.
“I’m sorry that you’re so miserable here,” Nick says as he walks away from me.
“And I’m sorry that you hate us so much that you can’t be bothered to be home,” I counter.
I shouldn’t have said that. I know he doesn’t hate us, but I’m so angry with him that I can’t control what’s coming out of my mouth. Maybe that third glass of wine was a bit much for me tonight.
“If you think that… if youtrulythink that, Deidre, then maybe I should find somewhere else to go.”
That simple offer sent lightning through my veins, shattering all feeling in my limbs. I stand in the hall, fighting the tears that are threatening to spill out.
My tone is soft. “What are we doing here, Nick?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“You obviously don’t want to be here. I’m completely exhausted from trying to keep up with everything. The only thoughts that fill my mind are those of a different life. A life where I come home to an empty house.”
Nick’s eyes look past me and down the hall toward the kids' rooms. “You don’t mean that.” I can practically hear his voice catching in his throat as he chokes on emotion.
“Some days… I can’t say that I don’t.”
Nick whirls around and storms into the living room. I walk into our bedroom, wanting to slam the door, but also knowing it will wake up the kids.
I turn off the light and climb into our bed alone with tears now streaming down my face. My heart hurts for the things I’ve said. I love my kids, but some days I just want a break. I just want to know what it feels like to not be run into the ground. To live with someone who cares about me. About his family.
Lying in my bed, I let the visuals race through my mind of a life less hectic. Wondering what I would have done had I said “no” eleven years ago when Nick asked me to marry him.
Wondering what kind of person I would be and what a quieter life would look like.
I love my kids. But sometimes, I just wish…
Chapter two
Watch Out
MyarmstretchestowardNick when the alarm yells for me to get my ass out of bed. But I keep reaching and soon realize that Nick isn’t there. I sit straight up and look at his side of the bed.
Empty.
“Wow,” I whisper to myself as I look toward the door. “He really did sleep on the couch all night last night.”
That, for some reason, makes me feel worse. I know I told Rachel that it’s what I wanted, but now that it’s happened, I feel like absolute trash.
I get the kids up and around before taking them to school. They didn’t fight me as much this morning and I’m wondering if they heard Nick and I’s battle happening in the hall while they were in their rooms. It’s not like our walls are soundproof.
Once I get Spencer home and clean up Bunji’s pee spot, I go to make Spencer some breakfast and realize I didn’t go to the store yesterday. One more thing I can add to my list of reasons why Nick will be mad today.
“Well, my guy,” I say as Spencer looks at me over his gate. “Looks like we’ll be heading out again.”
Spencer looks at me and smiles like I just told him an amusing story. He’s just so happy all the time and I love that about him. I hope he holds onto that and doesn’t get the usual ‘the world hates me so I hate everything’ attitude like his older siblings.
The feeling of my child against my chest brings me some relief. It’s like having my own emotional support animal, but it poops and cries at the most inappropriate times.
I press a kiss against Spencer’s temple and grab his sweatshirt so we can head to the store.
The fall air is chilly, but the smell is nice. Ithaca has such a warm and cozy feeling in the fall. The neighborhood is quaint and I love that my friends are nearby. Or ‘friend’ I guess is a better term.
I really only talk to Rachel anymore. Everyone else wants to go to the club or the bar, but I don’t have time for that. Those are the friends that seem to have ghosted me. The ones that don’t get a ‘Yes, I’ll go get drunk with people I don’t know on the night before I have to drive my kids to school’ reply when asked to go out on a Tuesday.
