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Ollie eyed the bottle with a hint of suspicion. "You can't seriously think booze is the answer."
"Couldn't hurt."
"It's not even nine a.m. I haven't had breakfast yet."
"Okay, let's get some food to go with our gigantic stash of liquor." I spread an arm to indicate our surroundings. "While we eat, we get hammered. Deal?"
He studied me for a moment, an exceptionally long one. Then Ollie smacked my arm and grinned. "Let's do it. I mean, Mara might dump me for doing this, but so what? I'll crawl back and beg forgiveness like a true cuddly-wuddly computer nerd."
"Sounds like a plan."
We walked back into the kitchen and started rummaging around for the manliest foods available. That's what Ollie said, not me.
"We need manly macho man food," he'd announced as we exited the pantry, aka the Big Closet of Booze.
I didn't even try to figure out what "manly macho man food" was and let Ollie scrounge up whatever he wanted. This was his panic-attack binge, so I decided to stand back and watch while he tore open cupboards and practically climbed inside them in search of the elusive "manly macho man food."
My best friend had probably lost his mind, but it was kind of fun to witness it firsthand.
Our breakfast wound up looking like the fridge had barfed up the contents of a buffet restaurant. Four kinds of sausage. Bacon. Hamburgers. Oh wait, that was bacon cheese hamburgers, so kind of all one thing. What else? Steak fajitas, guacamole, queso, several kinds of chips, baked beans, ham sandwiches, French fries, sweet potato fries, hash browns… I kind of lost track of things after that, partly because we'd raided every cupboard and the fridge but also because we had started drinking somewhere between frying up burgers and scarfing down deviled eggs.
We did not eat all of everything. No, we kind of…sampled everything.
Except for the booze. We might've guzzled that. One shot every time we found something else to eat. First bite of guacamole?Have a shot of tequila, man.First taste of sweet potato fries? Time for some Jack Daniels.Hey, bro, is that some cheesecake in the fridge? Grab it while I steal a bottle of vodka from the pantry.
Maybe the rest of the morning would've gone better if we'd eaten too much and thrown up the food and the booze. Unfortunately, we sampled but did not gorge ourselves. Not on the food. The liquor… Well, that was a different story.
Ollie glanced at the food littering the island. He blinked in slow motion. "Whoa, dude. Who's gonna clean piss—I mean clean this up."
Every time he spoke the letter S, it sounded kind of like a snake hissing.
I slapped my palm down on the island and burped loudly. "We're, like, you know, in charge or something. Aren't we? Con-sssseee-erge and… What the hell are you?"
"Uhhhh… Assistant manger?" He busted out in guffaws, covering his mouth with one hand. When he pulled his hand away, it had spittle on it. "Did you ever notice assistant manger starts with 'ass'?"
"Dude, you're not a manger. You're a manager." I snorted out a laugh. "Unless you plan on having Mara pop out that kid on your tummy. Get it? Like a manger or…whatevers."
Ollie thrust a bottle at me. "You need more of piss. This. What was I saying?"
I held up a hard-boiled egg. "Ever notice how these look like tits?"
"No, they don't," Ollie said with a laugh that came out like a pig snort. "They've got eggs inside 'em, not on the ousside. Outside. Ugh, I can't talk anymore."
"Do too look like tits. These, I mean." I picked up two eggs and held them to my chest. "See? Hard-boiled titties."
He started guffawing again. "You need a bra, man."
Thinking about tits made me think about Heidi. Yeah, she had the awesomest, fabulosiest boobs on earth. I glanced down at the eggs I was still holding to my chest, and the most awesomest idea ever hit me.
I punched Ollie's arm. "Got a wicked-amazing idea."
"Ow," Ollie said, clutching his arm. "That hurt, dude."
"Don't be a wuss-face." I slid off my stool and snagged a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels. "Let's go find our woman-girls and, like, kiss them."
"Yeah, we should. Smack some love on 'em." Ollie sort of oozed off his stool and stumbled into me. "Let's do it."
We started for the door, but Ollie froze on the threshold. "Don't we, ya know, have to work or something today?"
